I’m a new mom to twin boys, and let me tell you, sleep deprivation is my new best friend. On top of that, I have zero patience for the well-meaning but utterly ridiculous comments like, “Twins?! How’s it going? I’ve always dreamed of having twins!” Sure, I adore my little guys, but I can’t fathom why anyone would want to juggle two infants at once. People seem to think I’m going to spin a tale of magic and wonder, but let me set the record straight: it’s hard AF. When I drop that truth bomb, their faces morph into that of a kid who just learned Santa isn’t real, as if they genuinely believed that being a twin mom is the ultimate dream come true. Yes, there are double the giggles, but there’s also triple the need for wine.
Life with twins feels like being a contestant on Chopped, but instead of culinary challenges, I’m faced with the chaos of parenting. For those unfamiliar, Chopped is a cooking competition where contestants must whip up dishes using bizarre mystery ingredients under intense time constraints. Picture this: “In this round, you’ll have 20 minutes to create a gourmet meal using rusty nails, breast milk, canned dog food, and powdered cheese sauce from mac and cheese. Good luck!”
That’s pretty much how my daily routine goes. Only my “mystery ingredients” are the endless tasks I must complete before the dinner-time hunger cries kick in. The stakes are high, and the reward (a glass of wine) is worth the stress.
“In this round, Mommy has 20 minutes to get the twins and five bags inside, unpack everything, wash bottles, feed the dogs, change diapers, start the laundry, and get bottles in babies’ mouths before the meltdowns begin. Ready? Go!” I rush in, arms bursting with babies and bags, and the clock is ticking.
Opening the front door is my first major obstacle since my hands are full. Great, 4 minutes wasted. Once inside, I manage to get the boys out of their carriers and start organizing: toys in their tiny hands, dirty clothes in a pile, and bottles scattered everywhere. I’m using those bottles with six pieces each—fun times! Miraculously, no one is crying yet.
With fourteen minutes left, I finally disassemble the bottles and head out to deal with the dogs. They’re bouncing around with excitement, but I can’t play fetch right now. Suddenly, I hear twin A wailing as he decides to play whack-a-mole with twin B’s head. Oh, and I smell something awful. Fantastic! Time to change diapers, and of course, it’s a code brown situation for both.
Seven minutes remain. I toss the first load of laundry in and grab a new toy to keep the boys entertained. Two minutes left. I rush to rinse out the bottle pieces, praying I can finish before the inevitable hunger screams start. Like those mandatory ingredients on Chopped, all these tasks are crucial for keeping our lives from spiraling into chaos. Bottles need washing, dogs need feeding, and diapers need changing—no pressure, right?
As the clock ticks down, the babies are screaming, and I know I’m not going to finish. Spoiler alert: I get chopped every time. I calmly explain to the boys that they’ll have to wait a bit longer. Not a fan of the “cry it out” method? Well, try having two kids!
As the cacophony escalates, I remind myself that I’m grateful for this experience, even if I’m losing my grip on sanity. I send a quick message to my partner, hoping he’ll be home soon to help with bath time or I might just have to make a run for it (just kidding… kind of).
If my kids aren’t crawling by 13 months, it’s definitely not their fault—it’ll be my fault for holding them back while I try to keep everything else afloat. Kids are wonderful, but trust me, the next time someone tells me how #blessed I am, I’ll be sending them my to-do list while I sip my wine.
For more insights on pregnancy and the journey of parenthood, check out Women’s Health for excellent resources. And if you’re considering at-home options for starting your family, visit Make a Mom for their in-depth guide on insemination kits. You can also find more tips over at Intracervical Insemination to keep you engaged on this incredible journey.