“Man up.” “Grow a pair.” “Don’t be such a wuss.” “You’re such a mama’s boy.” These phrases hit me like a ton of bricks. I want to raise strong, capable sons—boys who are kind and confident enough to grow into wonderful men. To me, that means being sure of who they are, comfortable expressing their feelings, and unafraid to show emotions whether they’re sad, scared, or elated. They should never feel the need to hide behind a mask crafted by societal expectations.
Just as our daughters shouldn’t be told to “sit down and act like a lady,” our sons don’t need to hear “man up.” Here’s why that’s crucial:
Feelings Are Personal
No one else dictates how a boy should feel—only he does. I never want my sons to feel they must suppress their emotions. Sadness, grief, and guilt are all part of being human. When we tell boys they can’t express these feelings, we inadvertently convey that their emotions are unworthy. They may end up feeling ashamed for experiencing sadness or anxiety, which can morph into frustration and anger.
Empathy and Toughness Can Coexist
Boys can be both rough-and-tumble and sensitive. They can cry when they’re hurt and cheer when they’re happy. A true man can express vulnerability while still being strong. It’s frustrating to need help or want to express feelings but feel like “real men don’t do that.” That kind of mindset is a recipe for future therapy sessions.
Setting the Right Example for Girls
Using “man up” in front of girls suggests that women aren’t as strong or capable. It sends the message that males are the stronger sex, which is simply not true.
The Pressure to Conform
Boys often begin life expressing emotions just as freely as girls. They’re curious and eager to explore. But as they grow, they receive messages that their natural impulses are wrong or “unmanly.” True manhood isn’t about always being in control; it’s about handling emotions responsibly.
I know that much of this “man up” nonsense comes from older generations who were raised under different norms. While they might not know better, I certainly do. I want more for my sons than to feel constrained by outdated expectations. I will never tell them to “man up” or “just deal with it.” My goal is to foster their authenticity, no matter what that looks like.
I will check in with my sons about their feelings just as often as I do with my daughter, even if they brush me off. I believe that failing to do so might eventually make them feel less than whole. It takes strength to express oneself, and that’s exactly what we want for all our children: to grow up strong and confident, regardless of gender.
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Summary
Raising children to embrace their emotions and true selves is essential for their development. Telling boys to “man up” not only harms them but sets a negative example for girls too. Strength lies in vulnerability, and fostering an environment where children can express themselves is key to helping them grow into confident adults.