This past weekend, while I was at a soccer game, I took a moment during halftime to look around. It was hard to ignore the sight of everyone glued to their phones (yes, I was one of them). Some were likely texting their partners to check if they should make a pit stop at the store, while others might have been updating friends about the intense match. Perhaps they were scrolling through social media—who knows?
As I was busy pinning hairstyles on Pinterest, I noticed a little girl in a pink swing coat and a blue knit beanie, sitting quietly and observing everyone around her. She seemed to be the only one at the game without a device in hand, and the look in her eyes showed she was envious of those digital toys. It got me thinking: If toddlers could send texts, what would their conversations look like? I can only imagine the hilarity that would ensue. There would definitely be plenty of chatter about poop, pee, and tips on how to be little terrors.
“OMG, I had two blowouts today! Mom had to toss one of my outfits because of those peas I had last night. It was a total explosion! I was in my bouncy swing, and I just let it go. LOL.”
“Mom dragged me through the store AGAIN! I screamed the whole time. She was so annoyed, but I couldn’t care less. I’m just over staring at that red cart. This day is a disaster. All I need is my Binky!”
“Mom’s sipping that pretty pink drink again, looking all happy. I keep trying to get my hands on some, but she just keeps swapping it for my sippy cup. When do we get the fancy juice, huh?”
“Mom keeps claiming on social media that she makes all my meals from scratch and that they’re organic! But I know that stuff comes in a jar with a kid who looks just like me on it. So cray!”
“FYI… If you throw stuff off your highchair, someone will pick it up for you. It also works when you’re in a shopping cart! I could do this all day.”
“Listen up, if you bite the nipple while nursing, your mama will whip away your milky-juice faster than you can imagine. And trust me, she makes this weird crying face that’s pretty scary.”
“Guess what? I finally got my hands on some scissors and some alone time! You should see my bangs; they are on fleek.”
“Just a heads up: if you flush your favorite toy down the toilet, it won’t come back, and you’ll get soaked. Not worth it!”
“Today was wild—I accidentally peed on my own face during a diaper change. It freaked me out, so keep it on the down-low, but what a laugh, right? LOL.”
“Mom opened my diaper to check on me and got poop on her finger again! Why does she do this to herself?”
“Not gonna nap today! I just got a new Paw Patrol book, and it’s the best thing ever! Can’t put it down!”
“Hey, today’s the playdate! Can’t wait to see you. Mom got those new squeeze yogurts. We can make a mess with them!”
“I was so hyper last night; now Mom’s chugging her black coffee, looking all serious. I might try to calm down tonight, but honestly, the nighttime is when I feel most alive!”
“Man, you don’t know true pain until you start teething. This is no joke. Being a year old is tough.”
“Tommy came over yesterday. I can’t stand that kid. He’s all potty trained and thinks he’s so cool. That’s all his mom talked about. Plus, I totally looked like a baby in our picture on Facebook, wearing my big diaper while he was not. Time to step up my potty game.”
“In the car right now, can’t wait to get home and ditch these pants. I just wanna be free, you know?”
“Sometimes, I just want to chill with my buddy Caillou, but Mom keeps changing the channel. I miss that dude; he gets me.”
“Guess what? I figured out how to buy video games from the iPad! I’m a genius. I’ll spill all the secrets next time we’re at the park.”
While it would be a riot to see what these little beings might text each other, it’s comforting to know they have a couple more years before they’re glued to screens. That day, as I sat on the bleachers and made eye contact with that little girl, I realized I would much rather watch her than be on my phone. So, I tucked my phone away and handed her a leaf lying nearby. Even though she tossed it aside to reach for my phone, the few seconds she spent mesmerized by the leaf were pretty magical.
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Summary
This lighthearted exploration imagines the hilarious texts toddlers might send each other if they had the chance, full of their unique perspectives on daily life, mischief, and the challenges of being little. It highlights the joy of being present in the moment, especially when surrounded by young children, while also providing links to valuable resources on home insemination and fertility topics.