Updated: Feb. 19, 2021
Originally Published: November 5, 2016
Religion has always been a part of my life. I grew up in a Catholic household, married into a Lutheran family, and now I draw wisdom from both Buddha and the Tao. But let’s be clear: I do not identify as religious. I believe that no single doctrine holds the ultimate truth, and I’m not a fan of the corporate entity that is organized religion.
When I found out I was expecting in the fall of 2012, my partner and I faced some tough choices—decisions that would definitely raise eyebrows among family. I remember the first time the topic came up, and my daughter was barely the size of a Brussels sprout at that point.
“You’re planning to baptize the baby, right?”
I took a deep breath, knowing I needed to articulate my thoughts clearly. “Actually, we’re not. We’re open to the idea of raising our child with religious beliefs, but we’ve decided to wait and let our little one choose their own path when it comes to spirituality.”
Great response, right? Well, it didn’t land well. Instead, I was met with a long stretch of awkward silence.
The good news? I anticipated this silence. I even braced myself for anger and disappointment. But what I didn’t expect was the next comment from a well-meaning family member: “But you have to baptize the baby! If you don’t, and something happens, they’ll… they’ll… You do know unbaptized babies go to Hell, right?”
Oh dear. I couldn’t believe she actually said that. Instead of arguing, I just smiled and changed the subject. We would revisit this later, which we did—many times over the following nine months.
Fast forward to today, and the subject rarely comes up anymore. Why? Because I managed to quell their initial fears. (By the way, there are “serious grounds to hope” according to Pope Benedict that unbaptized children can still make it to heaven.) Time has also turned the conversation moot, and importantly, my daughter has grown into one of the most kind-hearted and empathetic kids I know.
At just three years old, she is polite, compassionate, and understanding.
Research supports that children raised without religious affiliation can be quite generous too. A 2015 study published in Current Biology compared the moral behavior of 1,100 children from Christian, Muslim, and non-religious backgrounds. The findings revealed that kids from non-religious families were often more willing to share resources compared to their peers from religious households.
In this study, children were asked to select their favorite stickers and were informed that some classmates wouldn’t receive any. The results showed that those from Christian and Muslim backgrounds were less generous in sharing their stickers than those from non-religious households. The researchers suggested this could be related to a concept known as “moral licensing,” where individuals believe they’re inherently more moral due to their religious practices.
I can only speak for my daughter, but she embodies generosity and kindness. She’s the kid at the playground who willingly shares her toys and snacks. She checks on her dad when he’s unwell and feels concern for strangers in distress. When someone is hurt, she’s the one offering tissues or a comforting hug. She understands the importance of saying “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry” – all without the influence of a religious text.
While many find these values through religion—and it certainly can foster selflessness and gratitude—others do not need that framework. Forgiveness, empathy, and understanding are not exclusive to religion. Morality and religion don’t always go hand in hand; good people are made through their actions, not just beliefs.
I’m committed to nurturing the best person I can in my daughter.
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In summary, my experience of raising a child without religion has not led to a lack of morals or kindness. On the contrary, my daughter exemplifies the virtues of empathy, generosity, and compassion. Goodness is shaped by actions and values, not just the belief systems we subscribe to.