By: Jamie Taylor
Updated: Oct. 30, 2023
Originally Published: Oct. 30, 2023
I’ll admit it—I’m a classic people-pleaser. I steer clear of conflict, dread letting others down, and can’t stand tension in any form. I’m no troublemaker or mischief-maker; honestly, I’m just trying to get everyone to like me! I strive to be polite and make everyone happy, which makes it incredibly challenging for me to say no. And when I say challenging, I mean I dodge it like the plague.
What if I actually said no? Would people get upset? Would they label me as weak or indifferent? Would I come across as rude or inconsiderate? Would they be disappointed or start to dislike me? The anxiety surrounding the potential consequences of saying no is overwhelming, so I end up saying yes—way too often.
I find myself agreeing to things I don’t want to do, things I shouldn’t do, and things that ultimately don’t matter. Before I know it, I feel like I’m sinking and losing control over my own life. Soon enough, I’m snapping at my kids and losing my cool over trivial matters like misplaced shoes. It’s all because I couldn’t muster the courage to decline when someone asked for help at the bake sale or invited me to an MLM gathering that pretended to be a moms’ night out.
A few weeks ago, I had a bit of an awakening—well, more like an emotional breakdown—when I realized I simply cannot do everything or make everyone happy all the time. No matter how hard I try, not everyone will adore me. Enough was enough; I decided to be more selective with my yeses and generous with my nopes.
I won’t pretend I didn’t feel nervous about it—because I was! The thought of disappointing people or, heaven forbid, having them dislike me was terrifying. I didn’t want to come across as rude, for crying out loud!
But I was suffocating under the burden of obligations I didn’t want or need, and even some I wanted but couldn’t realistically fit into my life without driving myself and my family nuts. So, I resolved to be more liberal with my nopes.
Examples of My Nopes
- Could I be the class mom for my son’s kindergarten? Nope.
- Could I attend your distant relative’s wedding? Nope.
- Could I make it to your moms’ night out that’s actually a sales pitch? Nope.
- Could I go to that big college football game? Nope (even if I was tempted).
- Could I whip up dinner? Nope. (How about grabbing takeout instead? Yes, please!)
And then something surprising happened when I started to embrace my nopes—absolutely nothing bad occurred. The sky didn’t fall. People weren’t furious with me (and if they were, they did a great job of hiding it). I didn’t come off as rude or inconsiderate, because I’m not those things. I’m just more mindful of my time and aware of my limits. In fact, I was still polite in my refusals. I often said “no, thank you,” “probably not,” or “thanks, but no thanks.” Sometimes I provided a reason for my nope, and other times I didn’t, because guess what? “Nope” is a complete sentence.
There’s something freeing about reclaiming control over my life, and it’s incredibly satisfying to reserve my yeses for the people and activities that genuinely matter to me. Sure, it’s not always easy, and I occasionally grapple with FOMO (fear of missing out), but instead of striving to please everyone, I’m dedicating my time and energy to those who appreciate and respect me in return.
And you know what? Not everyone will like me regardless of how much I try to please them. I could drown in yeses and still not win everyone over. The reality is, I can’t make everyone’s day, every single time. I’m not the latest cat video, after all! Therefore, I’m drawing the line at yeses. Nope. Not anymore.
Although I may be less of a people-pleaser these days, I’m still kind, gentle, and polite. This means that sometimes my nopes sound a lot like, “I’m truly sorry, but no thank you.”
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In summary, learning to say “no” has transformed my life. I now prioritize my time and energy, focusing on what truly matters rather than trying to please everyone. The freedom that comes from being selective with my commitments is incredibly liberating.