Dear America,
Let’s have a chat about the recent trend of giving children bizarre names. Seriously, it’s time to rethink this. Recently, I learned that an Olympic athlete named his newborn son “Boomer.” Really? That sounds more like a nickname for a toy than a name for a human. Sure, it’s not child abuse (let’s not go there), but it’s definitely questionable. Just think about it: “This is my son, Boomer.” “Boomer, come here!” “Meet my dad, Boomer.” “Okay, Boomer, let’s change your adult diaper!” Can you see how that doesn’t quite fit? “Boomer” barely passes as a dog’s name, let alone a person’s.
Many American baby names today just don’t cut it. Names like Paisley (it’s a pattern, not a child), Kattelynn, and anything with an extra “y” added for flair fall short. We could really use a list of acceptable names like some European countries have. Now, I’m all for unique names—Persephone and Xanthippe are lovely—but “unique” doesn’t equal “cool.” It’s like “Unique” now needs an avalanche of vowels and apostrophes to live up to her name.
Imagine being a kid named Blade, forever known as the child of parents who probably spent too much time on role-playing games. Just don’t name your child “Ender,” okay? Some folks might argue that it’s a parent’s prerogative to choose names without judgment. But, let’s be real: we’re the ones who have to say it out loud and not chuckle. And in America, we’re known for judging names.
So, what names should we judge?
- Dog-Named Names: If your child’s name sounds like a dog’s, such as Boomer, Fido, or Ninja, reconsider. They deserve better than to be called like a pet!
- Pretentious Literary References: Yes, we all admire great literature, but naming your child Atticus or Moby? That’s a reach.
- Sci-Fi and Fantasy Inspired: No, your daughter isn’t a Khaleesi or your son a Lannister. These names belong in fictional worlds, not on birth certificates.
- Unnecessary “Y” Additions: Adding a “y” doesn’t magically make a name special. Kaytlynn? Eryn? They’ll be spelling it out for life.
- Place Names You’ve Never Visited: Naming your kid Dakota or Sierra is a bit odd if you’ve never actually been there.
When you give a child a silly name, they’ll carry that burden through life. I’m not suggesting you go with traditional names like Elizabeth or Christopher, but please, think about the long-term implications.
Someday, we might find ourselves in nursing homes filled with Paisleys, and we’ll have you to thank for it. For more insights on parenting and names, check out our other blog posts at https://intracervicalinsemination.com/blog/.
In summary, let’s be a little more thoughtful when naming our children. A unique name can be beautiful, but it shouldn’t be ridiculous. Choose wisely!