I stood there, 5’10” and weighing a mere 100 pounds, staring at my beige work pants. They had been a little tight a year and a half ago, and now, as I attempted to fasten the top button, I was greeted by a distressing 4-inch gap between my belly button and the zipper. Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm the panic rising in my chest while I slid a brown leather belt through the loops, fastening it at the last hole.
Looking into the mirror at the back of the frozen yogurt shop where I had worked for two years, I faced a sad and frightened 18-year-old girl. For four years, I had fiercely clung to the power and control I wielded over my body, even though deep down, I longed to let go. With high school graduation approaching, I had received several scholarships to a prestigious fine arts school, which meant leaving my familiar surroundings for the first time. It was a moment of awakening; the desire to change was breaking free from the confines of my illness.
I recognized that to fulfill my life’s purpose, I had to overcome anorexia. And that day, I pledged that I would not allow this twisted disease to entrap me any longer. I was determined to change.
The subsequent years were tough but transformative. I dedicated myself to recovery, seeing a psychologist who guided me through my struggles and a nutritionist who taught me to embrace food positively. I worked with doctors who monitored my health, and every day was a battle against my demons. Gradually, food ceased to be a source of torment. Looking back, I view my transformation as a true miracle, especially as I hear stories of others who weren’t as fortunate.
As time passed, I graduated from college, explored various careers, moved around, got married, and matured. My experience as someone with anorexia became a distant memory, like a dream. I weathered storms and emerged stronger, bearing the marks of life.
Then one evening, while waiting for a parking spot at the gym, I felt a wave of nausea wash over me. It wasn’t the first time; I’d been making frequent trips to the bathroom that day. A voice in my head whispered, “This is it. You’re pregnant.”
My heart raced as I backed out of the parking line and headed to the grocery store. At 34, I had never been pregnant, and during my anorexia days, doctors had warned me that conceiving might not be possible due to my extreme weight loss and the absence of my period for nearly four years. I hadn’t given much thought to birth control or what I would do if I did become pregnant.
The memory of a recent passionate, yet birth control-free night with my husband flashed through my mind. I knew this was it! I was going to be a mom! I took a pregnancy test in the bathroom of a nearby coffee shop and, to my delight, my suspicions were confirmed. I called my husband, and we celebrated our miracle together.
Initially, I was ecstatic about becoming a mother. For years, I had carried a silent guilt, believing that my self-starvation had robbed me of the chance to have a family. But soon, joy morphed into anxiety, and the familiar grip of anorexia clawed at me once again. The thought of losing control over my body terrified me. My fit abs would stretch, I would gain weight, and my hips would widen. Panic set in as I felt my old habits creeping back.
One night, overwhelmed by the mental turmoil, I locked myself in my walk-in closet. Sitting on the floor, I called my mother, tears streaming down my face as I confessed everything. With her encouragement, I met with my midwife the next day and shared my history with anorexia and my current struggles.
Her response was unexpected. She wasn’t surprised by how I felt and reassured me that many women, whether or not they had a history of eating disorders, experienced similar emotions during pregnancy. With her support, I began to feel empowered to embrace this journey.
A few nights later, as I wrestled with thoughts about controlling my weight gain, an epiphany struck me. I had already battled this before. I had put in the effort, the hard work, and the discipline. Anorexia, you cruel beast, I defeated you years ago. You have no place in my life now. This is my time to cherish, so leave me be! And just like that, the anxiety dissipated. Poof! Gone! A wave of peace washed over me as I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
This experience taught me a vital lesson: every challenge is surmountable. We possess the tools to conquer anything. We heal, we overcome, and what once threatened to destroy us can become a tool in our arsenal. But the shadows of past struggles may still linger, reminding us of their former power.
If you’re pregnant and grappling with an eating disorder, let me share some insights that may help you:
- Breathe: You will be okay. What you’re feeling is perfectly normal, and you are not alone.
- Understand: Recovery from an eating disorder is a lifelong journey. Overcoming the food aspect doesn’t mean the emotional and psychological battles will vanish. Those who struggle with anorexia often exhibit perfectionist traits, so while you might conquer disordered eating, you may find yourself overly disciplined in other areas.
- Shine a Light: If you catch yourself obsessing, it’s likely a sign that something in your life needs attention. This tendency can serve as a spotlight, illuminating areas that require care.
- Reach Out: If you are feeling overwhelmed, talk to someone. Whether it’s your partner, a family member, or a friend, sharing your feelings can bring relief. Additionally, consider working with a nutritionist throughout your pregnancy to ensure you’re getting the nutrients you need for both you and your baby.
If you’re interested in learning more about the journey of home insemination and its challenges, check out this helpful resource and also visit Make a Mom for expert guidance. For statistics and insights on pregnancy, you can refer to the CDC’s page on infertility.
In summary, it’s essential to know you’re not alone in this journey. It can be tough, but with the right tools and support, you can navigate the path ahead. Embrace your experience and remind yourself that you are capable of overcoming.