I found myself at a colleague’s home recently. His name was Mike, and we had been working together for a couple of years. Mike, a dad in his late 40s, had a teenage son while my oldest was only 9. Most of our conversations revolved around the “joys” of parenting, specifically our sons’ penchant for laziness and their obsession with video games. Mike often shared advice on what he wished he had done differently with his son at that age.
At a work gathering in Mike’s backyard, I observed his son, a 15-year-old with a lanky frame and glasses, tidying up after guests. He attempted awkward jokes but was genuinely trying to fit in. Despite his teenage quirks, he was remarkably polite and even went out of his way to entertain my three little ones. He showed my son some video games, introduced my middle daughter to their pet dog, and helped keep my rambunctious toddler out of their flower beds.
After watching him for a while, I leaned over to Mike and said, “Your son isn’t nearly as troublesome as you make him out to be.” He smiled, a hint of pride glimmering in his eyes, and replied, “Yeah, you’re right. He’s a good kid.” It seemed that an outside perspective was just what Mike needed to appreciate his son’s positive traits.
As we shared stories about his son’s good behavior instead of focusing on the usual complaints, I began to reflect on my own kids and the things I might be overlooking. Don’t get me wrong—I believe venting about parenting is healthy. I regularly complain about sleepless nights, budgeting, and the never-ending cycle of bath times and boogers. It’s a therapeutic release for the stress that comes with family life. But I often find myself being overly critical of my oldest, Max.
I frequently grumble about how hard it is to get him out of bed or how he insists on eating only mac and cheese. I drag him away from his tablet daily, pushing him toward more productive activities. Yet, when I take a step back, I realize he’s actually a pretty good kid. He doesn’t curse, he gets his homework done (eventually), and he enjoys reading and sports. He hasn’t gotten into trouble at school, earns decent grades, and plays with good friends. Most of my “concerns” about Max are typical growing pains rather than serious behavioral issues.
This is the challenge of parenthood: spending so much time with our kids can lead us to become hypercritical of their every move. I want Max to grow into a responsible, kind adult—someone who respects others and is successful. To do this, I have unintentionally focused on his shortcomings instead of celebrating his strengths. He’s doing pretty well, and I should be proud.
As I prepared to leave Mike’s house, I noticed his son picking up toys that my kids had left scattered around. Max was lounging on the sofa, trying to blend into the cushions, hoping I wouldn’t make him help. I turned to the teenager and said, “I told Mike that you’re not nearly as bad as he claims. He agrees—just don’t let it go to your head.” The young man chuckled, a hint of blush creeping on his cheeks. Then I looked at Max and asked, “Are you going to pitch in?”
Max rolled his eyes but ultimately slid off the sofa to help clean up. As he started putting toys back in the box, I said, “You know, Max, you’re a good kid too. I should give you more credit.” He beamed at me, and we exchanged a high-five.
In that moment, I realized how important it is to offer simple praise more often. Parents, including myself, need to focus on the positive rather than just the negatives. A little acknowledgment about the good things they do could make a world of difference.
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Summary
It’s easy for parents to overlook the good behavior of their children while focusing on the challenges. By recognizing and praising the positive traits in our kids, we can foster a more supportive and understanding environment that encourages their growth.