Let’s face it, parenting is a wild ride, and truthfully, no one has it all figured out. There’s a good chance that despite your best efforts—teaching your kids about responsibility, kindness, and throwing opportunities their way—they might still grow up to be the “wild card” of the family. Yup, that one child who strays the farthest from the expected path.
As a dad of three, I won’t lie; that thought keeps me up at night. I adore my kids and genuinely want them to be successful and compassionate individuals. If I had to sum up my hopes, it would be this: I want them to outshine me in every way. But if they miss the mark, where does that leave me as a parent?
The Circle of Concern and the Circle of Influence
At work, I often cover Stephen Covey’s concept of the Circle of Concern and the Circle of Influence with incoming college freshmen.
The Circle of Concern includes everything that worries us—our health, our children’s futures, job stress, political chaos, and even global conflicts. On the flip side, the Circle of Influence is about what we can actually change—things we have some control over.
This lesson aims to help students focus on their Circle of Influence to regain a sense of control over their worries. For instance, you can’t change the weather, but you can bring an umbrella. You might not like your professor, but you can seek out other resources to succeed in class.
Every time I teach this, I can’t help but think about my main parental worry: What kind of people will my children become? What values will they hold? And how much will I blame myself if they turn out to be less than stellar?
That’s the crux of parenting, isn’t it? While we have some control over our children—through our guidance and love—they are still independent beings who will eventually carve their own paths.
I wrestle with this idea, not out of a need to micromanage but from a fear that they might not reach their full potential, and I’ll end up feeling guilty. I know I’ll replay moments in my head and wonder where I went wrong, and I want to avoid that for both our sakes.
Channeling Energy into Influence
So, instead of fixating on concerns I can’t control (my Circle of Concern), I’ve started channeling my energy into what I can influence (my Circle of Influence).
The reality is that the one thing I can control is myself. I can model the behavior I wish to see in my kids. I can choose the lessons I impart, the way I interact with them, how I treat their mother, and my commitment to family values. I can decide how to express my beliefs and how I discuss respect for others, regardless of background.
We live in a world brimming with negative influences. One day, my kids will join social media, choose political affiliations, and form opinions on societal issues. They may even become those opinionated users that some friends adore while others unfollow.
While I can’t control what happens outside our home, I can establish a positive example within it. I can provide them with a solid foundation of morals and values. I can openly express the kind of people I hope they’ll become.
Action and Example
Ultimately, it’s about action. It’s showing and telling them how a good, ethical person navigates life. This isn’t just about words; it’s about living out those values daily. I think it’s crucial for us to be transparent about our aspirations for them while consistently demonstrating the importance of becoming individuals of substance.
Listening is just as vital as speaking, and we must teach through our actions as much as our words.
Many of you reading this are doing just that. You’re gently guiding your children toward a meaningful future and exemplifying what it means to care for others. If that resonates with you, you’re actively working within your Circle of Influence. Frankly, that’s the most significant contribution you can make as a parent to ensure your child grows into their best self.
Now, I’ll admit, my kids are still young. I haven’t yet faced the teenage rebellion phase, which might shift my perspective entirely.
I often see this meme floating around, humorously stating that it’s a parent’s job to “parent the jerk out of their kids.” It’s amusing, but it also leaves me pondering: what does that really entail?
I believe it means focusing on your Circle of Control as a parent—seizing every opportunity to mold your children into good, strong, and moral individuals. If they do end up taking a different path, you can find solace in knowing they made those choices despite your best efforts and thoughtful guidance.
At the end of the day, every parent wants to feel confident they did everything possible to help their children turn out right.
Further Reading
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Summary
Navigating the uncertainties of parenting can be daunting, but by focusing on what we can control—our actions and examples—we can instill strong values in our children. While we can’t dictate the paths they choose, creating a nurturing environment and demonstrating the qualities we wish to see can make a significant difference in their futures.