Lately, I’ve been chatting with a therapist about my anxiety, and she’s been hitting me with some hard-hitting questions about my values. Strangely enough, most of my answers seem to revolve around what I want to avoid. “What do you want from your job?” she asked. I replied, “To not get fired.” Then came the question about my spirituality, and I said, “To not end up in a bad place.” But when she inquired about my goals as a dad and husband, I blurted out, “To not be like my father.”
To put it mildly, my relationship with my dad was rocky at best. He walked out on my mom when I was just 9. She was wife number two, and he sadly passed away due to his addictions shortly after divorcing his fourth wife. I even spent my hard-earned pizza-making bucks bailing him out of jail. Sometimes it felt like he treated families like franchises, hopping from one to the next without a care.
My parents’ divorce was a messy affair, tossing me between homes and forcing me to choose sides when all I wanted was peace. I don’t want my kids to go through the same turmoil of meeting new step-siblings every few years or worrying about scraping together bail money for me.
My therapist pointed out that when she hears “not statements,” she recognizes someone is grappling with anxiety. It suggests that I’m running from something instead of moving toward something better. That’s where the true values come into play.
Growing up in a broken home can be a powerful motivator. Most of my 20s—and a good chunk of my 30s—were spent doing everything possible to avoid becoming my dad. He drank, so I don’t. He skipped college, so I made sure to attend. He left multiple wives, so I committed to sticking it out with my own. Not that it’s been a struggle, but I’ve made it clear that divorce isn’t an option for me. When things got tough, my dad would just walk away; I want to push through the hard times to strengthen my marriage.
But this whole discussion about values left me pondering: Is steering clear of my father the same as being a good dad? I think anyone from a broken family should consider this—whether they’re a mom or dad. It’s daunting to aspire to be a better parent than the ones who raised you, especially when their dedication was questionable. That’s a pretty low bar to clear.
Reflecting on my values has helped me shift my focus from the past to the future. There comes a time when every parent must stop measuring their progress against poor examples and start defining the kind of parent they want to become. That’s what truly breaking the cycle looks like.
So, what do I value in fatherhood? I want my kids to know, unequivocally, that I love them. I want them to feel safe with me and understand what a good dad looks like. I want them to witness me loving their mom through my actions. I hope they see that in a healthy marriage, love is an active choice. I want them to see us go on dates and share special moments. I want them to observe how I manage frustrations—calming down and trying again. I want them to see me go to work every day because love sometimes means providing in practical ways. And yes, I want them to hear me offer prayers for their well-being at dinner.
It took me until my 30s to concentrate on who I want to be as a father rather than who I don’t want to be. I genuinely believe that guiding my children to look forward to their aspirations—rather than just what they want to avoid—is a significant step in the right direction.
Ultimately, I can’t control whether my children become great parents or caring individuals. What I can do is set a sterling example. By showing them what a good father looks like, I aim to give them far more than my own father ever provided.
In closing, raising kids is about more than just avoiding mistakes; it’s about actively demonstrating love, commitment, and resilience. For more insights on parenting and related topics, check out this excellent resource on intrauterine insemination or explore ways to enhance your journey with fertility supplements.
Summary
The author reflects on their childhood and the impact of their father’s absence, exploring how their experiences shaped their values as a parent. They emphasize the importance of demonstrating love, commitment, and resilience to their children, aiming to break the cycle of dysfunction while actively becoming a better father.