Updated: Oct. 6, 2020
Originally Published: November 28, 2016
A few years back, during a casual phone call, my mom nonchalantly mentioned, “Oh, by the way, I’ve sent you something in the mail. It should arrive later this week. Have you heard of the Elf on the Shelf? The kids in my preschool class are all excited about their elves.”
As a preschool teacher, my mom often clued me in on the latest holiday trends long before my sleep-deprived brain caught up. Whenever a hot toy was hitting the stores or a must-see holiday film was released, she’d either take the kids to see it or send a care package that would earn me the title of “Best Mom Ever.” Usually, I appreciated her thoughtfulness.
But when it came to Herbie Ralph, the Elf on the Shelf who joined our family five years ago, I still harbor some resentment. I attribute my December stress and the elf’s mischievous antics to my mother. Sorry, not sorry, Mom.
That little red felt menace? I absolutely despise him. And each holiday season, I dread the thought of moving that little felt rascal around the house, attempting to convince my kids that this creepy-smiling elf has been on a round trip to the North Pole overnight. My kids are ridiculously gullible—yours probably are too. They buy into the whole charade, hook, line, and sinker. When one of them inevitably asks, “I wonder when Herbie will be back?” as the leaves change, I shudder, knowing that I’ll have to dream up ways to make that little red troublemaker look like he’s been up to some festive mischief.
I genuinely start with the best intentions because let’s be real: my kids love waking up to find Herbie engaged in playful antics, like being captured by Lego figures or having a snowball fight with snowman ornaments using marshmallow “snowballs.” (Admit it, you’ve done worse!) The time they believe in Santa is fleeting, and I want to soak up every bit of that magic, knowing that soon enough, I’ll be crying over the loss of their innocence come Christmas morning.
It’s an exhausting task to keep the magic of this little elf alive. So, for my fellow parents who are in the same boat, here’s a peek into my month-long saga with Herbie—a sort of captain’s log detailing my descent into the depths of Elf on the Shelf chaos.
November 29
Where did I hide that little red troublemaker again?
December 1
Herbie made his grand entrance. A note from Santa resulted in joyous cheers. Kids behaving because “Herbie is watching.”
December 2
Found Herbie playing with Legos alongside a stuffed Rudolph. Kids thrilled.
December 3
Herbie was busy building an igloo out of cotton balls. Kudos to Pinterest for saving my sanity!
December 4
This elf is a rascal. His “snow angels” in flour on the counter were quite the hit. Note to self: flour is a nightmare to clean up.
December 5
Herbie is now in the Christmas tree. Look at him, adorable next to the ornaments!
December 6 to 8
Herbie remains in the tree. Sorry kids, he’s staying put.
December 11
Wine consumed. Herbie forgotten. I’ll deal with it tomorrow.
December 12
Kids are wailing because Herbie forgot to return from the North Pole. Their dismay is palpable while Herbie continues to wear that creepy smile.
December 13
Spotted Herbie suspiciously close to the fireplace. Perhaps he was trying to get burnt?
December 16
Heard that Sally’s elf brought Disney World tickets on its last trip. Mental note: confront Sally’s mom at the next PTA meeting.
December 17
Kids were shocked to find Herbie under the minivan. No explanation given. Morale is low.
December 18
Herbie is back in the Christmas tree. Anyone complaining will lose a Christmas gift.
December 19
Heard that Jack’s elf delivered plane tickets for a surprise Christmas Eve trip. Kids are seriously bummed about Herbie’s lame candy cane gifts.
December 21
Herbie must meet his end today. Plan: blame it on the dog.
December 23
After too much eggnog at hubby’s holiday party, I considered tossing Herbie into the trash.
December 25
Hooray! Santa came! I collapse on the floor amidst the mess of wrapping paper and toys that are a pain to unbox. Herbie’s creepy gaze is still upon me.
December 26
Time to return this Felt Menace to the North Pole. I pray that next year will be the one where my kids no longer expect this little guy to grace our home.
As much as I loathe pretending that a creepy elf can travel back and forth to the North Pole with just a sprinkle of magic and elfin GPS, I’m just waiting for the day I can call one of my kids and say, “By the way, I sent you something in the mail. It’ll be there Friday.” Revenge shall be mine!
Summary
This humorous account captures the trials and tribulations of a parent navigating the challenges of the Elf on the Shelf tradition. From creative ideas to the overwhelming stress of maintaining the illusion, the narrative blends relatable frustrations with a touch of festive cheer. If you’re looking for more insights on home insemination, check out this excellent resource and for a comprehensive guide, consider visiting Make a Mom’s home insemination kit.