When my neighbor invited me to a ladies’ night dinner with the women in our community, I found myself juggling a lot of things. I checked my schedule, browsed the restaurant’s menu (let’s be real, I was eyeing the cocktail options), and even texted to see what everyone was planning to wear. I changed my outfit choice at least six times and debated whether to bring my big bag or just a clutch. I even wondered if I’d be chilly without a jacket.
But you know what I didn’t do? I didn’t ask my husband if it was alright for me to go.
Sure, I gave him a heads-up because that’s just common decency. “Hey, love, I’m going out for dinner with the ladies on Wednesday. Will you be home, or should I find a babysitter?” But there’s a big difference between informing your partner and asking for their permission.
Being an adult means you’re free from anyone else’s control. As a kid, I never got the pony I dreamed of, but as a grown-up, I could easily buy one and keep it in my living room if I wanted to. And no one could stop me (except maybe the authorities!).
Okay, maybe that’s a little extreme. I wouldn’t actually buy a pony on a whim. But the point is, I didn’t grow up and leave my parents’ house just to move in with someone who dictates my choices. My husband is my partner, not my parent.
Kids need to ask their parents for permission because they lack the judgment to make wise decisions. Without boundaries, they’d stay up late every night and have dessert for breakfast. Parents protect their children by guiding their choices until they can make sensible decisions on their own.
Asking for permission from your spouse suggests that you can’t be trusted to make sound decisions independently, and I can’t support that. There’s nothing wrong with discussing plans with each other first—after all, that’s just courtesy. It helps prevent double-booking and ensures important details aren’t overlooked. For instance, if my husband wants to enroll our son in soccer, he’ll consult me first because it means I’ll need to drive him to practices. Or if he’s eyeing a new laptop, I’ll remind him about our upcoming tire replacement for the car. Ultimately, I trust him to make a choice that benefits the family.
This is precisely why our traditional wedding vows skipped the “obey your spouse” part. Love? Absolutely. Honor? Of course. Obey? No way! I want my dog to obey, not my husband. I have no desire to control him, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who tries to dictate my actions. Trust is essential for a successful relationship, and if it’s so low that one partner feels the need to control the other, there are bigger issues to tackle than just weekend plans.
I don’t aim to be my husband’s mother. I have enough kids asking for permission throughout the day. When it comes to my own choices, it’s liberating to know I’m not with someone who feels they have the authority to “let” me do something.
If you found this perspective interesting, check out our other blog post on home insemination kits for more insights on personal choices. For expert advice, visit Make a Mom about home insemination. And if you’re seeking resources about family planning, Resolve is an excellent place to start.
In summary, the essence of a healthy relationship lies in mutual respect and trust. While it’s important to share plans with your partner, there’s no need to seek permission as if one partner has authority over the other. After all, we are equals, navigating life together.