Putting my thoughts into words has felt like an immense challenge, almost like sealing a deal with permanence. Acknowledging that I’ve been steeped in grief for over three years is daunting enough to make me want to switch on Netflix and pour a big glass of wine instead.
I lost my mother, whom I affectionately called Mimi, in July. She was not just my mom; she was my greatest love. The moment she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, I began a journey of anticipatory grief that would intertwine with my own path of motherhood. Just days after sharing my twin pregnancy news, I found myself grappling with the reality of losing her while simultaneously bringing two beautiful girls into the world. The connection between us was profound; as she lost her reproductive system, I was using mine to create life.
As I navigated my grief, I also had to be fully present during the demanding early years of motherhood. Breastfeeding two babies, sleep training, and handling meltdowns were all part of the routine. My little ones, now preschoolers, are incredibly perceptive and can sense when something is off. So, how does one manage to parent through such grief? This has been one of the most challenging yet enlightening aspects of my experience.
Here are three key insights I’ve gained along the way:
- Set the Emotional Tone
As parents, especially mothers, we often set the emotional climate of our homes. This doesn’t mean being the perfect parent; it means being authentic. By naming my feelings and being honest, I found a way to navigate the overwhelming emotions that accompanied my mom’s diagnosis and decline. My daughters frequently ask, “Are you happy or sad?” I’m open about my sadness, and when they offer comfort with hugs and kisses, I acknowledge that those gestures help. - The Legacy Lives On
I find comfort in my mother’s wisdom, from late-night texts to family mantras. I keep a little notebook filled with her reminders, which helps me feel connected to her legacy and the impact she had on my daughters in their short time together. Phrases like “love is a verb” and “feelings are facts” are lessons that will endure. - Grief Comes in Waves
Months after my mom’s passing, she remains a frequent topic of conversation with my toddlers. Their sentiments range from “Mummy, if you want to see your mummy, you have to die too” to heartfelt “I miss her” and sweet moments like “Mummy, Mimi lives in our hearts now.”
A wise grief counselor once told me that children grieve in “puddles.” One moment they may be sad, and the next they’re off playing, singing, or asking for snacks. When I broke the news of my mom’s death, I anticipated a flood of tears. Instead, they listened, hugged me, and quickly moved on with their day. I’ve found that I, too, experience grief in waves, oscillating between laughter and sorrow. The deeper my grief runs, the more profound my love feels.
Ultimately, one of the most significant lessons I’ve learned is that we never truly “get over” grief; we simply develop strategies to cope with it. This mirrors the challenges of motherhood, where we don’t magically overcome fatigue or anxiety but learn to manage them daily. Embracing the messiness of grief and motherhood allows us to model healthy emotional processing for our kids. Through sharing my mom’s incredible legacy with them, we can all navigate the puddles of grief together.
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Summary:
Navigating grief while being a mother is a challenging journey. By acknowledging emotions, honoring legacies, and understanding that grief comes in waves, mothers can find strength and resilience. Embracing both the messiness of grief and the beauty of motherhood allows for healthy emotional processing and connection with children.