I found myself at a colleague’s house the other day, chatting with a guy named Tom, who’s been my work buddy for a couple of years. Tom is around 20 years older than me, and while his oldest son is already a teenager, my oldest is just 9. A lot of our conversations revolve around the trials and tribulations of parenting, especially about how lazy our kids can be, prioritizing video games over anything resembling responsibility. Tom often shares his wisdom on how he wished he approached parenting when his son was my kid’s age.
At this work event, there were several colleagues gathered in Tom’s backyard, and I couldn’t help but notice his son, a lanky 15-year-old with dark hair and glasses, doing a remarkable job of helping clean up after the guests. He cracked a few awkward jokes, trying to fit in with the adults, but mostly, he was polite, well-mannered, and genuinely helpful. He even took the time to entertain my son with some games and introduced my middle daughter to their adorable dog while keeping my rambunctious 2-year-old out of their flower beds.
After watching this display for a while, I leaned over to Tom and quipped, “Your son isn’t nearly as bad as you make him out to be.” Tom nodded, a hint of pride shining through his tipsy smile. “Yeah, you’re right. He’s a good kid,” he confirmed, realizing in that moment that his son was indeed doing well.
As we continued discussing his son’s positive traits instead of the usual complaints, I found myself reflecting on my own kids. Sure, I love to vent about the challenges of parenting—those late nights, early mornings, and the endless battles over screen time. But I’m just as guilty as any parent of focusing too much on the negatives, especially when it comes to my oldest, Jake.
I often express my frustrations about how hard it is to get him out of bed in the morning, how he’d rather eat mac and cheese for every meal, and how I have to physically separate him from his iPad just to get him to be productive. But when I take a step back, I realize that overall, he’s a pretty great kid. He doesn’t use foul language, finishes his homework (after some debate), enjoys reading and soccer, and has never landed in trouble at school. Jake gets good grades and plays with a solid group of friends. Most of our issues stem from typical developmental challenges, just like any kid his age.
This is the conundrum of parenting. I spend a lot of time with Jake and feel responsible for shaping him into a fantastic adult. I want him to be more successful, kinder, and more considerate than I ever was. Yet, in my quest for perfection, I’ve fallen into the trap of being overly critical, forgetting to appreciate the good things he does.
As I was about to leave Tom’s house, his son started gathering up the toys my children had scattered around. Jake, on the other hand, was slouched on the couch, looking like he hoped I wouldn’t ask him to help. I nudged Tom’s son and said, “I told Tom that you’re not nearly as bad as he thinks. He agrees, but don’t let it go to your head.” The teen laughed, clearly pleased.
Then I turned to Jake and said, “You’re gonna help out, right?” He rolled his eyes dramatically but eventually slid off the couch to pitch in. As we cleaned up, I told him, “You know, Jake, you’re a pretty good kid. I really should give you more credit.” He beamed at my words, and as we high-fived, I realized that I need to offer praise more often. A little recognition can go a long way. I think many parents could benefit from doing the same.
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In summary, we often overlook our children’s positive behaviors while focusing on their flaws. Taking a moment to acknowledge the good can strengthen our relationships and foster a more supportive environment.