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How to Discipline Your Kids Without Being a Jerk by Jessica Miller
Updated: Jan. 29, 2021
Originally Published: Oct. 18, 2016
Disciplining my kids is one of my least favorite parts of parenting. If it were up to me, my children would always behave, listen to my every word, and never test the boundaries. But, alas, they are kids, and pushing limits is essentially their job description.
Part of what makes discipline so challenging for me is that I tend to be pretty quiet and non-confrontational. When my kids are up to no good, I often find myself wishing I could just say, “Hey, please stop that,” and move on with my day.
Sometimes, this approach works, but we all know it doesn’t always cut it. Conversely, I don’t want to resort to fear or shame as a means of control. Sure, I lose my cool sometimes—I yell, I say things I regret, and I might even have a meltdown now and then. But I draw the line at name-calling, belittling their character, using harsh language, or physical punishment. That’s just not my style (or my husband’s).
My ultimate goal as a parent is to create structure and discipline without being a jerk. I’m no expert (far from it), but I believe I’ve found a way to balance effective discipline with kindness and empathy, at least sometimes. Here’s how:
Have Family Meetings (Yes, Really!)
It might sound a bit cheesy, but kids need to understand what’s expected of them. When consequences come into play, they should know where you’re coming from—even if they’d rather roll their eyes. So, we hold family meetings regularly. Everyone gets a chance to speak, and my kids help create the rules, which makes them feel involved. Then we sign our names to the rules, like a little family contract.
Set Clear, Fair Consequences
For my kids, screen time is a big deal. They know that if they misbehave, that privilege is the first to go. They’re not keen to lose their screen time, and I’m not above taking it away if needed. Trust me, losing an hour here or there is minimal compared to the total screen time they usually get.
Use Warnings and Countdowns
We have a countdown system that works wonders: “You need to stop what you’re doing after I count to ten.” Plus, I give them warnings like, “You have two chances to clean up your toys…” Yes, I sound just like my mother (the horror!), but it’s effective. This method, when delivered calmly, is a way of showing kindness while establishing clear boundaries.
Discipline Without Yelling
This is easily the toughest part. How do you enforce rules without losing your cool? Kids are perceptive—they pick up on your tone more than the words you say. When we’re furious, they can feel it, leading to shame. It’s crucial to manage our anger. Self-care, emotional regulation, or even indulging in a little ice cream in the bathroom can help. Whatever works for you!
Offer Lots of Praise
Amid the chaos of daily parenting, it’s easy to forget to acknowledge the good behavior. If your kids have a few well-behaved days, let them know! Your approval means a lot to them.
Commend Them for Enduring Difficult Moments
After I remove a privilege from my child (a fancier way to say “punish”), and they’ve had a fit, I make sure to praise them for getting through something tough. I might say, “It’s not easy when things don’t go your way, but you managed it, and that’s pretty impressive.”
These aren’t rigid rules; every child and family is different. I know I’m just figuring it all out as I go, especially when it comes to discipline. But my main aim is clear: I want to raise good people without screwing them up too much in the process.
At the end of the day, if our kids are acting out, let’s strive to not mirror that behavior ourselves.
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Summary
Disciplining children can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to involve yelling or harsh methods. By setting clear rules, using countdowns, delivering consequences calmly, and offering praise, parents can maintain discipline while fostering empathy. Family meetings can also enhance communication and collaboration, making kids feel empowered. The ultimate goal is to raise kind individuals while navigating the ups and downs of parenthood.