Dear Metabolism,
How’s it going? I’ve been missing you lately. Remember when I was in my twenties? I could devour a whole Totino’s party pizza for lunch and still feel confident in my bikini later that day. I could indulge in a cheeseburger—complete with all the fixings—and then do 10 push-ups, and you’d be right there, eager to help me burn it all off. Those were the days, the carefree bikini days. I long for those times.
We need to have a chat because this relationship feels a bit one-sided lately. I’ve been sipping on green smoothies for breakfast for a week now. Ever seen one? It resembles a mix of baby poop and that green gunk I once saw after too many jello shots. I down the shake, do some sit-ups to get you motivated, and then… crickets. My body is still jiggly, and frankly, that’s got to change.
Let’s be honest—you’ve gotten a bit lazy. You don’t check in, you don’t call, and you sure don’t allow me to enjoy cake without it showing up in all the wrong places. Not cool, Metabolism! I love cake. Can’t you work a little harder on that? I’d be willing to give up beer on Sundays for football and we can even talk about last Friday night when I was left alone with the ice cream, if you’d just come to a compromise about the cake.
I’ve been doing my part to mend our relationship, but you seem oblivious. I’m exercising more, eating small, frequent meals—all the things you said would make you happy. Yet, every morning, I step on the scale, try to squeeze into my pants, and it’s the same disappointing story. You’ve let me down, Metabolism. The scale knows it. My favorite jeans know it. I know it.
I need you to step up your game. Take those 12 almonds I munched on at 10 a.m. and work your magic. I even choked down a celery stick yesterday! Do you know how painful that was? I had to slather it with three heaping spoonfuls of peanut butter just to make it edible. But hey, peanut butter is protein, right? So that counts for something, doesn’t it? I feel like I’ve lost touch with what will make you happy these days. Is it high protein? Low fat? No carbs? All of the above? I’m ready to do whatever it takes.
And let’s talk about how you seem to be spending all your time with my husband. That guy can eat and drink like a king, and when he gains a few pounds, he’s like, “Guess I’ll just skip lunch for five seconds.” Then poof! He’s back to normal. NOT COOL.
Okay, fine. I admit, I went a little wild on those nachos last night. Plus, I might need a refresher on what constitutes a “glass of wine.” And sure, there was that study saying chocolate can give you a boost, but maybe bingeing on chocolate chips by the handful during PMS is a tad excessive. But still. You used to be so perky and responsive, and now it feels like you’re ignoring me. I miss our connection.
So here’s the plan: I’ll stop bringing home Doritos and treat every night like it’s spring break with tequila. In return, can we agree that I can enjoy an occasional slice of cake without it turning into a FUPA? I’m committed to improving our relationship; the least you could do is show up now and then.
With love and hope for better days ahead,
Moms Everywhere