Parenting
I’m a total stickler for rules. There’s something about the structure they provide that helps make sense of the beautiful chaos of parenting. Establishing and adhering to guidelines based on my parenting philosophy, values, and a sprinkle of common sense has been my lifeline through motherhood. Knowing what to do and when is my sanity saver.
When things get hectic, I stick to the rules. Baby wailing? Nurse, burp, wrap, sway, and repeat. Toddler resisting bedtime? Explain exhaustion and let her stay up with a light and books until she can’t handle it anymore. Fifth-grader dodging homework? No screen time until it’s finished. Up at all hours due to nightmares? Time to wake up your partner; it’s his turn this week. Rules are my guiding stars, so don’t even think about messing with them.
Ha! Easier said than done. I have three daughters aged 5, 11, and 14. The age differences alone mean I have to enforce different rules for each child, and someone is always pushing boundaries. One daughter needs nudges about screen time limits, while another requires (firm yet calm) reminders to be respectful. The 5-year-old requires rules about everything. “No, you can’t color on the walls with permanent markers, and yes, you must take a bath tonight since you skipped it last time.” I firmly believe that boundaries teach children to care for themselves and to be safe, kind, honest, and respectful.
My girls understand what I expect and face consequences when they don’t meet those expectations. Even better, I know what’s expected of me. They count on my consistency and values. They anticipate my expectations regarding their behavior and actions, and they trust my judgment regarding what’s right or wrong, safe or dangerous, kind or unkind. That said, I wish I could tell you that my kids joyfully adhere to the rules, but that would be a total fib (and lying is against the rules).
I don’t set arbitrary rules just to annoy my children, but that doesn’t mean they don’t break them. When that happens, things get a bit tricky — for me. Beyond having to enforce any consequences tied to breaking a rule, I feel completely off-kilter. I start second-guessing my parenting choices and wonder if I’m too strict. This often happens with my teenager, whose refusal to follow the rules leaves me bewildered. The guidelines that once worked seamlessly for us now seem ineffective as she questions my reasoning, pushes boundaries, and defends her position stubbornly.
Why does she need to be in bed by 10 p.m. when she isn’t tired and has another hour of homework? While her request seems reasonable, is it acceptable for her to change the rules or simply ignore them? If she does disregard them, should I impose a consequence, or is her fatigue enough of a consequence? Regardless, it’s evident that what matters more to her than avoiding punishment is being heard. I have to respect her tenacity and willingness to voice her thoughts, even if it disrupts my comfort zone. I don’t want to force her to comply just because those are the rules; I want her to follow them because they resonate with who she is and because I’ve raised a good person.
Could it be time to adjust the rules a bit? The mere thought of that makes me squirm. I’m not ready to loosen the reins or renegotiate the rules that have defined my motherhood for so long. If the rules change, I won’t have as much authority as before, and it signifies that my daughter is reaching a stage where she might not need my guidance as much. As bittersweet as this realization is for me, I recognize that my girl is maturing and will eventually create her own set of rules to follow. This is just the start.
In the meantime, there are still plenty of rules this rule-loving mom is eager to enforce: no cleats on the wood floors, no R-rated movies, no boys in your room, don’t touch my desk, and yes, we have to kiss goodnight no matter what. Why? Because I love you… and rules.
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