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What Would Julia Roberts Do?
Updated: July 27, 2014
Originally Published: September 4, 2012
Parenting is a challenging endeavor. It ebbs and flows. It can be misleading. Just when you think you have a solid handle on it, it slips away, turning into nothing but dust in your hands.
It leaves you feeling exasperated. It can make a fool out of you.
I’ve been a parent for 12 years now, and I can confidently say I recognize the elusive nature of this whole experience. When I envision the parent I aspire to be, I often think of a scene from a film featuring Julia Roberts. Picture her as the quintessential mom—full of love, warmth, and joy, radiating happiness in the company of her family.
That iconic dinner table scene? It gets me every. single. time.
But let’s be real—my family dinners are more reminiscent of a chaotic comedy than a heartwarming movie. There’s not much romance in our mealtime chaos. Instead, it’s a raucous gathering of kids making silly noises and quarreling over who gets the last piece of meatloaf. Comments like, “Your mac and cheese tastes like cardboard,” and “I can’t wait for Dad to come home; he’s way more fun than you!” are the norm.
Remember the movie Bridesmaids? There’s a moment when Rita spills the beans about her three boys. We’re almost at that stage—perhaps we’re already there, and I’m merely in denial. The sweet aroma of baby powder has vanished, replaced by the unmistakable scent of sweaty sneakers and unwashed bodies.
Showers? They take an eternity. As I sift through mountains of laundry to find those overpriced, ugly Nike socks that are all the rage among middle schoolers, I stumble upon forgotten washcloths. Seriously? We haven’t used those since my boys were toddlers. And let’s not even get started on what’s happening behind closed bathroom doors. I prefer the mystery, but I could do with a bit more cleanliness.
I find myself uttering phrases I never thought would cross my lips, like, “It’s probably not a good idea to be naked around the cat,” or “Please don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong; you don’t need to investigate that fart.” And let’s not forget, “Dancing on the breakfast table is entertaining, but swinging your man jewels around is a no-go in most situations. Plus, I’d rather not have your anatomy near my smoothie.”
Did you grow up watching The Cosby Show? Remember how Heathcliff Huxtable would ominously warn his kids, “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out”? Back then, I laughed along with my parents, puzzled by the humor. Now? Oh, I fully understand.
There are no award-winning scripts in parenting—just you, your kids, and the endless surprises. What will they do next? What will you say in response?
Just last week, I found myself seated at the dinner table, sternly lecturing my 12-year-old son with words I never thought I’d utter. “Listen closely,” I warned, pointing my finger dramatically, “You’re acting like a complete jerk. Your attitude needs a serious adjustment, or when your dad gets home, he’s going to lay down the law.”
What on earth does “lay down the law” even mean? Am I channeling my inner 1980s movie character?
But I was on a roll, and there’s no stopping me once I get going. “Look at me,” I said. “I am the Gatekeeper. Everything that happens in this house goes through me. Change your attitude now, or I will remove every ounce of fun from your life. I can absolutely do that. Because I am the Gatekeeper. I control all the fun—and the not-so-fun.”
In my daydreams of motherhood, I never pictured myself yelling at my oldest son or summoning the spirit of a character from Ghostbusters. But here we are.
I think it’s safe to say I’m a little apprehensive about the tween years. And we haven’t even approached the driving phase… or the sexting… or the driving while sexting.
One thing is certain: this parenting journey is no picnic. It’s nothing like the movies portray it to be.
Because… I’m just a girl. Standing in front of four boys. Asking them to aim properly while they pee.
For more relatable parenting stories, check out one of our other blog posts here. And if you’re considering expanding your family, visit this excellent resource on pregnancy. If you need an at-home insemination kit, here’s a reputable retailer to check out.
In summary, parenting may not be the glamorous adventure we often envision, but it’s a wild ride filled with unpredictability, laughter, and a few unexpected challenges along the way.
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