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Can we forgo the scale? Honestly, I’m dealing with bloating about twenty days a month. I don’t need three numbers reminding me to skip fast food on the way home. A visual guess would suffice—she looks a tad rounder since last time, but no need for a full-on intervention.
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Is there a coat rack in here? Just once, I’d like to walk into the exam room and see a designated spot for my coat (and other clothes) while undergoing the usual poking and prodding. Hiding my underwear under a ball of jeans on a chair that’s seen thirty other naked patients that day? No thanks.
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Last period? Ha! I can barely remember what I had for breakfast. The date of my last period? Roughly a month ago, so let’s speed this exam up, shall we?
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Can we dim those fluorescent lights? Nothing crushes a girl’s self-esteem faster than glaring fluorescent lights. Seriously, do we need a spotlight shining down on me?
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Do you have anything bigger than a tissue paper doily to cover up with? I’m not a toddler! I weigh way more than fifty pounds and I’m definitely taller than three and a half feet. Can I get a proper blanket, please? Maybe even that fabric room divider?
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If only I could see the straps, I’d gladly put my ankles in them. Lying on my back without pillows, trying to focus on anything but the awkwardness, and then you ask me to put my ankles in the stirrups? Seriously? It would be nice if someone could help a girl out here.
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Yes, I can slide down more, but I’m just trying to avoid my backside landing on your feet. Getting positioned on the gynecological table is like trying to land a plane with limited clearance. And then there’s that embarrassing moment when you ask, “Is that far enough?” Yikes.
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What was that? It’s freezing! From the doctor’s hands to the equipment, everything feels like it’s just been pulled out of a freezer. How about a warming tray? And while we’re at it, maybe a glass of wine?
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Wow, it feels like you’ve tunneled to China! Yes, it hurts a bit. I get that doctors have to ask how I’m feeling, but let’s be real. It’s safe to assume it’s uncomfortable—how about asking for a pain scale instead? One being my toddler’s tantrums and ten being my husband stubbing his toe.
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Excuse me, where’s my goodie bag? After all that poking, can I at least get a little something? A visit to the dentist gets me a new toothbrush, the eye doctor gives out free lenses. What do I get after my gynecological visit? A big fat nada! Even a sticker of a cute puppy would be nice!
In conclusion, my visits to the gynecologist could use a little more thoughtfulness and humor. From the awkwardness of the exam to the lack of parting gifts, a little pampering wouldn’t hurt. For more information on home insemination, check out this resource or learn about the offerings at Make a Mom. And don’t forget to review our privacy policy here!