By: Laura Thompson
Updated: Dec. 27, 2015
Originally Published: Sep. 4, 2012
As I sit here reflecting on my life as a mother for ten weeks, five days, and four hours, I realize just how much time I’ve spent watching the clock tick down to bedtime. We’ve successfully made it through 24 hours together. No major disasters, and thankfully, no one has lost their mind (yet). Aside from a minor spat over the swaddle technique, our little family is mostly happy. In this whirlwind of swaddling, baby seats, and sleep training, simply reaching bedtime without any major incidents feels like a tremendous victory.
But as the day winds down, a familiar feeling creeps in—guilt. Guilt has a way of sneaking up on you. I would much rather deal with the overt frustration my little one displays when I’m not quite meeting her needs. There’s something refreshing about her directness; she’s honest and raw, unlike guilt, which takes a more insidious route and exploits my weaknesses.
Countless times each day, I find myself feeling trapped—trapped by the weight of motherhood, the expectations that come with it, and the emotional chaos that arrived alongside my little bundle of joy. Shouldn’t I be reveling in this experience, knowing that many would yearn for what I have? Guilt whispers this incessantly in my ear.
Postpartum depression, similar to guilt, is a slippery foe. Its intensity ebbs and flows. While it does improve over time, there are moments when it can feel even heavier. My world has been turned upside down; will I be a good mother? Will my child resent me? What if she encounters danger—or worse, what if she turns out like a pop star I’d rather not name?
My daughter, Emma, is the light of my life, but there are days when I find myself wishing for a long nap for her, just so I can have a moment of normalcy. You know, like cooking with both hands, enjoying a shower, or even catching some much-needed sleep.
For now, I’ll take solace in the fact that it’s 5.5 hours until bedtime, and so far, we’ve made it through without any major incidents. That’s a win in my book. If you’re navigating similar waters, you might find comfort in reading more about the universal experience of mommy guilt.
And if you’re looking for resources on pregnancy or home insemination, check out this excellent resource for infertility insights. Also, for those exploring at-home options, you can find reputable insemination kits at this online retailer.
Leave a Reply