During a chat with a friend, she casually asked when I would have “the talk” about sex with my kids. At that time, my little ones were 4, 5, and 7. When I revealed that I had already broached the subject with each of them, her jaw dropped. “Seriously? I thought I had until middle school!”
While her approach sounded comforting, I learned the hard way that I had already missed the prime opportunity with my first two kids. Both of them picked up on the topic during their early days in kindergarten—much to my horror. It was shocking to realize that kids were discussing such mature subjects at such a young age. I honestly don’t recall having any discussions about sex when I was that age.
My oldest returned from his first days of kindergarten and asked if sex meant rubbing private parts together. I decided it was time for a chat. Surely, this was just a case of a mischievous classmate leading him astray, right? Then it happened again with my daughter, who told me that her friends, Tommy and Sarah, “made sex on the bus.” Apparently, five-year-olds have their own version of sex talks.
After checking in with their teachers (who were surprisingly unfazed by it all), I had to come to terms with the fact that my kids would encounter many things before I was ready to discuss them. Welcome to parenting, where readiness is just a mirage!
I tackled the topic right away. I explained the basics of sex in a way I hoped they could grasp. There are numerous helpful books aimed at kids about sex, but I had none on hand at the moment. I thought I still had time—years, in fact!
Surprisingly, the conversations went smoothly. They were brief, and the expressions on their faces when I clarified what sex actually was were priceless. Initially, they didn’t have more questions, though they’ve since come back with plenty, which reassures me that they feel comfortable talking to me.
I emphasized that discussions about sex should not happen at school and insisted they ask an adult—preferably me or their dad—if they had any questions. I admit I was a bit nervous that they might still share their newfound knowledge. No one wants to be that parent whose child is giving a sex ed lecture on the playground.
So, before my third child started kindergarten, I seized opportunities to have brief, honest discussions about bodies and sex. I avoided using silly nicknames for body parts, didn’t giggle at their innocent questions, and certainly didn’t change the subject just because it felt uncomfortable. I took my time and made sure to respect their cues when they’d had enough, while ensuring I was the first voice they heard on this subject.
Through my research, I discovered that kids around age four often start showing interest in sexuality. Since they haven’t been exposed to much, they usually don’t realize there’s anything wrong with discussing it. Honestly, there isn’t—so long as they understand the right time and place, which is another challenging lesson to impart.
I frequently remind them not to teach their peers about sex—this is an adult’s job. If they ever feel uneasy because someone has touched them inappropriately, they need to tell an adult immediately. It’s been easier to empower them with language about their bodies and acceptable behavior because they have a foundation of understanding regarding sex.
Now that my kids are older (13, 11, and almost 10), discussing more complex questions about sex is much more comfortable. With the vast information available online, I must continue to be their strong voice as things inevitably become more complicated.
I am confident my children feel they can approach me with questions, thanks to our open dialogue. This doesn’t guarantee they will, but I believe I’ve done my part to keep communication lines open.
I firmly stand by my decision to discuss sex with my kids at an early age. I never want them to feel shame about something so essential. This foundation has also made it easier to tackle other serious topics, such as alcohol, drugs, relationships, abuse, and consent.
While my approach may not suit every family, it has worked for us. I chose to speak to each child individually, hoping to remove any awkwardness associated with the topic. Each discussion has been unique, and I recognize that my methods may not fit every child’s needs. It’s all about what feels right for you as a parent. For me, having these early conversations about sex has granted me peace of mind—something that counts for a lot in today’s world.
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In summary, discussing sex with children at a young age may seem daunting, but it can foster open communication and understanding as they grow.