Ah, children. Aren’t they a delight? Remember the days before you arrived? When we could buy nice things, place them wherever we wanted, and they would remain exactly how we left them? Ah, those were the days. Now, everything is chaos — our homes, our cars, and yes, even our sanity. It seems my kids have an uncanny ability to zero in on my most cherished possessions and promptly ruin them.
So, I’ve decided to pen this “open letter” to you, my little tornadoes. Though I know you won’t read it, it gives me an outlet to vent. After all, I love talking to myself.
My dearest, beloved children,
You are the greatest joys of my life and also the reason I sometimes feel like I’m losing my mind. While I cherish having you around, I would prefer if you stayed out of certain areas of my life. Here are a few things you should definitely steer clear of:
My Bed
When you were tiny, it was cute to have you snuggled up next to me. Now, with you towering at 6 feet, it’s like sharing a bed with a very sweaty, drooling octopus. Let’s just say, sleeping next to you is a bit like being in a boxing ring.
My Guest Bathroom
This is my sanctuary, a throwback to my life before kids. The white, monogrammed towels and fancy soaps are a stark contrast to the chaos that is our daily life. Please, when you come home from school, skip the guest bathroom for your “business” and keep the Barbie soup experiments to a minimum.
My Purse
It’s not a treasure trove for your half-eaten snacks or a dumping ground for random items. I don’t need to discover banana mush and old gum every time I reach for my phone.
My Phone
Why is my phone always drained? Oh right, because you’re busy streaming videos or snapping selfies while I’m just trying to have a moment of adult conversation.
My Bedroom/Closet/Nightstand
Unless you want to find some rather peculiar items, stay away! Trust me, those “toys” are not what you think, and that’s definitely not a mini lightsaber!
My Makeup
This one is especially directed at my daughter, unless my son suddenly decides to embrace a new look.
My Good Chocolate
Please, leave my expensive Swiss truffles alone. I know you’ll claim you don’t like them, but I’m onto your tricks.
My Plate
No matter what I’m eating, you’ll always ask for a bite and then remember you only like beige food covered in ketchup. Thanks for the “help” with my diet!
My Good Scissors
I had a fantastic pair of scissors. Now I’m left with some kid-friendly ones that are covered in who knows what.
My Adult Conversations
It’s quite hard to talk about serious matters when one of you is loudly announcing your bathroom endeavors in the background. Seriously, why do you always need me the moment I sit down for a chat?
One day, you’ll help me sort through my broken dreams and belongings, and I can hear you saying, “Sorry for ruining everything, Mom.” Then, you’ll probably send me to a home where I’ll eagerly await your weekly visits, likely just to snag the dessert off my tray.
Hopefully, you’ll bless me with grandkids just as wild as you are, and they’ll take revenge on you for all the chaos you’ve caused!
With love,
Mom
For more insightful tips on navigating motherhood, consider checking out this post on pregnancy. You can also find useful information about fertility at Make a Mom. And don’t forget to read our other post on home insemination to keep the conversation going.