By: Jamie Thompson
Date: Oct. 2, 2016
Gather ’round, fellow kids of the ’80s! It seems yet another relic from our childhood is making a comeback, but brace yourselves before diving in, because this one’s a real doozy. That’s right—Teddy Ruxpin is back, and he’s creeping us out even more than before.
Remember the original Teddy Ruxpin? He was that talking bear with a cassette deck tucked in his back (because who doesn’t want a creepy animatronic reading them bedtime stories?). His mouth would move and his vacant eyes would blink slowly, which was unsettling enough for a young child. Just in case you’ve forgotten how eerie he was, here’s a little reminder: yikes!
I distinctly recall my small hands desperately yanking out Teddy’s batteries each night, utterly convinced he would turn into a murderous plush monster in my sleep. I feared that even without power, he might still creepily watch me from the shadows until the moment was right to strike. It was a love/hate (or more like love/fear?) relationship, and our uneasy peace was always understood but never spoken.
Fast forward to today, and the revamped version has my adult self feeling just as uneasy. I’m dubbing him Teddy WhatTheFucksPin™. According to Mashable, the first Teddy hit the shelves in September 1985, and now, 31 years later, Wicked Cool Toys has traded in his cassette player for an iPad app—but the unsettling vibes remain. His eyes are now a bright, animated blue, practically twinkling with sinister thoughts. They dart around uncomfortably as he talks, and to make matters worse, they morph into shapes like red hearts and swirling snowflakes. There’s even a version that makes him look like he’s possessed. Kids everywhere will likely find themselves hiding under the covers!
This new, evil-enhanced Teddy makes me nostalgic for the days when his eyes merely moved instead of glowing like they’re fueled by the fires of doom. It’s as if a group of executives sat down and brainstormed on how to make children scream in terror. Clearly, they’ve succeeded with this latest offering.
But don’t panic just yet! Teddy 2.0 won’t hit stores until August 2017. You’ve got a little time to get cozy with a few priests just in case one of these demonic bears shows up under the Christmas tree.
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In summary, the new Teddy Ruxpin might just be the stuff of nightmares, but with some time to prepare, hopefully, we can keep this plush menace at bay until he arrives.