Some parents have a couple of kids and feel an undeniable certainty that they’re absolutely done expanding their family. Others may not feel completely finished but choose to call it quits due to biology or financial constraints. However, I suspect most of us find ourselves in that gray area of uncertainty—where we’re not quite sure if we’re done or not. That’s me, at least for the past few years.
At 38, with two sons who are five years apart, my finances are stretched thin, and I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in ages. Logically, it seems like I should keep my uterus under lock and key. But my emotions often whisper otherwise. “Just one more…” they tease, even when I’m awake at 3 a.m. with a sick child clinging to me.
It can be frustrating to be pulled in two directions—your head says one thing, while your ovaries have a mind of their own. However, I recently reached a point where my logical side took the lead.
At the start of summer, our beloved 15-year-old Honda Civic was on its last legs. We bought it when we first tied the knot, and it had been a trusty little workhorse… until it started to sputter and break down, including one embarrassing episode in the grocery store parking lot. Suddenly, the “check engine” light was a regular visitor, and we were facing a series of pricey repairs.
Remember how I mentioned that having two kids has nearly drained our finances? As much as we would’ve loved to avoid buying another car, it became clear that pouring more money into our old Civic wasn’t the wisest decision. So, we emptied our savings and even borrowed from a family member to invest in a new vehicle. My husband commutes by train, and I work from home, so we decided on a compact, fuel-efficient model—after all, it had served us well for the past 15 years.
As we stood at the dealership, choosing our new car, reality hit me: there was no way we could fit a third car seat in the back. In the midst of car research and budgeting, I hadn’t even considered that little detail. My logical side would have opted for this car regardless, just like it had decided on our family of two kids. But I noticed my emotional side didn’t even put up a fight.
And you know what? I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I was tired of living in that indecisive limbo. It’s stressful to constantly wonder if you’re going to expand your family, rearranging the house in your mind for another little one, or calculating how to fund an extra kid’s college education. It’s also nice to borrow a friend’s baby for a bit—just to enjoy that delightful baby smell and squeeze those adorable little thighs. Plus, dreaming about future grandchildren who you can spoil and send home after the sugar rush sounds pretty great too.
While the heart has its desires, sometimes what you truly want is already right in front of you. Now, when I buckle my boys into their car seats in our shiny new ride, I glance at the small gap between them and think, “Well, that’s just enough room for overdue library books, an empty bag, and a few goldfish crumbs.” And when I look at my two silly, chatty, sweet boys, I realize I have everything I need right here.
In case you’re curious about the journey of pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource for fertility at Cleveland Clinic. And if you’re considering options, you can learn more about an at-home insemination kit from Make a Mom.
Summary
The author reflects on their journey of deciding to stop having children, sharing personal anecdotes and realizations that led to their conclusion. They highlight the stress of indecision, the joy of their current family, and the relief of accepting their decision.