I always envisioned myself as a mom. Despite not being the most nurturing person (let’s just say my babysitting skills were questionable at best), I thought that once I became a mother, I would naturally develop that maternal instinct. I pictured myself like the other moms I saw—showering their little ones with sloppy kisses and gushing over adorable toddler thighs. I assumed I’d easily adopt the sweet habit of baby talk and playful patty cake. Surely, I would create cute nicknames for my kids and never raise my voice.
Isn’t that the quintessential image of motherhood? This ideal has been ingrained in us since childhood, shaping our perceptions so profoundly that it’s hard not to feel inadequate if we aren’t swooning over infants or filled with a desire to have babies at the mere sight of one.
Watching other mothers, I see them cooing at their babies, enveloping them in hugs, and nurturing them with endless patience. I often find myself questioning: What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I feel that same maternal pull? Am I somehow missing that elusive “mom gene”?
Here’s the truth: I can’t stand baby talk, and I’m not the touchy-feely type. After a few minutes of cuddling, I crave my personal space. I’m impatient and, yes, I yell—often. I didn’t practice co-sleeping, and my breastfeeding journey was short-lived, quickly replaced with cases of Enfamil.
As I observe other mothers lovingly snuggling their babies without any sign of discomfort, I can’t help but wish I were more like them—wishing I could exude their calmness and natural affection. I ponder why I don’t feel all mushy inside when I see a cute baby, and why my ovaries remain quiet instead of bursting with longing.
I spend countless hours questioning my abilities as a mom. I compare myself to other mothers and read up on parenting techniques, wishing to embody a bit of this or a dash of that. I often wonder if there’s something wrong with me for not being… well… maternal.
But here’s the lesson I constantly remind myself of: there isn’t a “right” way to be a good mother. The concept of a mom gene is a myth. Motherhood is unique to each individual, and being maternal—whatever that means—isn’t a requirement for effective parenting.
In the past, when I contemplated whether I was living up to my potential as a mother, it was always through the lens of how others mothered, rather than focusing on my own relationship with my kids. I used to believe I lacked that mom gene, that I was somehow inadequate in my parenting style. But all my self-doubt stemmed from comparing myself to others, not recognizing that my kids have me as their mother, not those other women.
Sure, I may not embody the same patience or affection as some mothers do. But it’s essential to remember that my children aren’t being mothered by anyone else—they’re being raised by me. I might have my quirks, but I love my kids fiercely and wholeheartedly. I might not always be the most affectionate, but I proudly stand as their biggest supporter and protector (alongside my partner, of course). My kids are happy and secure, and that’s largely because I parent in a way that feels authentic to me.
Of course, I have areas where I can improve, and my high expectations often lead me to fall short. However, there are also plenty of ways where I excel in this whole motherhood gig—at least in the way I define it.
So yes, maybe I’m missing that mythical mom gene, and you know what? That’s perfectly fine because it doesn’t exist. Unless, of course, we’re talking about mom jeans—which, by the way, I certainly don’t own either.
If you’re curious about more insights into motherhood, check out this piece on home insemination or learn about the resources available for those seeking to conceive at Women’s Health, a great guide on pregnancy and home insemination. And for a comprehensive kit, visit Make a Mom.
Summary
In this reflection on motherhood, the author grapples with the idea of not fitting the traditional mold of a nurturing mom. Despite feeling out of touch with typical maternal instincts, the author concludes that there is no singular way to be a good mother, emphasizing the importance of authenticity in parenting and embracing one’s unique style.