Losing a mother is a heart-wrenching experience, and I can say that from personal experience. I lost my mother to ovarian cancer when I was just 11. Now, at 39, I’ve spent more years navigating life without her than with her. In my younger years, people outside my family often avoided the topic of my mom. They probably thought they were sparing me feelings, but instead, they left me feeling isolated. Over the years, I’ve learned how to be there for others in similar situations. If you know someone who has lost their mother, here are five thoughtful ways to support them:
1. Check In and Listen
When a friend is grieving the loss of their mother, simply asking how they’re doing can be immensely comforting. If they’re not ready to talk, circle back in a few days or weeks. Sometimes it takes time for those feelings to surface. When they do decide to open up, be there to listen without judgment. You don’t need to have all the answers; just letting them share their thoughts can be a powerful gift. Remember, you’re not a therapist, and it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being, too. Encouraging them to talk about their mother can also help. Watching their face light up as they reminisce is truly special.
2. Choose Your Words Wisely
Be mindful of what you say around someone who has lost their mother. Conversations about joyful outings with mothers can inadvertently sting. I’ve often found myself feeling a mix of joy and sadness when friends share their experiences. It’s easy to forget that not everyone has that same blessing. Even in casual settings, consider that not everyone has a mother to talk about. Instead of assuming everyone has a mom, try being inclusive in your language. When I was teaching, I always made a point to say, “Give this to your guardian or whoever is taking care of you,” to be more considerate of different situations.
3. Remember Important Dates
Dates can be particularly tough for someone who has lost a mother. For instance, my mother’s death anniversary is forever etched in my memory. Leading up to that day, my emotions can be overwhelming. A simple text or call letting them know you’re thinking of them on those tough days can mean the world. Sending flowers—especially their mother’s favorites—can brighten their day. Similarly, birthdays can be bittersweet, so asking if they’d like to do something special to honor their mother can be a beautiful gesture. And let’s not even talk about Mother’s Day. While you might be celebrating your mom, they are likely mourning theirs. Acknowledging their loss on that day can show immense support.
4. Connect Them with Others
Introducing a motherless daughter to others who share her experience can be life-changing. Growing up, I often felt alone in my grief and wished I had known other girls who were also motherless. Recently, I connected with someone from my past who had a similar experience, and it was like finding a long-lost friend. When I moved to a new city and discovered a local support group for motherless daughters, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Connecting with others who understand can provide comfort and a sense of belonging.
5. Avoid Comparisons
It’s important to avoid comparing someone’s experience with a bad relationship to someone whose mother has passed away. They are both painful, but they are not the same. I have friends who have had difficult relationships with their mothers, and while I empathize, it’s crucial to recognize the difference between estrangement and loss. One friend remarked, “I might as well join the support group because I fight with my mom all the time!” This was hard to hear. While she feels disconnected, she still has her mother. Loss means there’s no chance for reconciliation or healing.
We all want to help our loved ones in times of sadness, but sometimes we simply don’t know how.
As Sylvia Plath poignantly wrote, “The round sky goes on minding its business. Your absence is inconspicuous; Nobody can tell what I lack.”
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Summary
Supporting a motherless daughter involves listening, choosing words carefully, remembering important dates, connecting her with others who have shared experiences, and avoiding comparisons with bad relationships. Genuine empathy and understanding can make a significant difference in her healing journey.