(Just to clarify, this is a snapshot of my oldest after we confiscated his superhero cape for throwing a toy at his dad. #parentingstruggles)
“If our kids don’t stumble, they won’t learn to rise again.”
Those words echoed in my mind one Tuesday afternoon while at the park with my friend, who was sharing the latest saga of her son’s potty training and the never-ending chaos of preschool pick-up lines. Our conversation took a turn as we noticed a frazzled mom frantically chasing her 5-year-old around the playground. She was right behind him as he climbed the stairs, lurked under the slide, and dashed through the jungle gym, doing her best to prevent any missteps or tumbles. (Just a reminder: this was a 5-year-old who could talk, walk, and run quite well.)
Now, I get it—every parent has their own style, and I’m sure this mom was doing what she felt was best. But I firmly believe there’s value in letting our kids experience failure. If we always catch them before they fall, they’ll never learn how to get back up—whether it’s on the playground or in the grander scheme of life.
From my view, true lessons come from experiencing failure. Did you catch that? We adapt and find solutions. Often, we even discover more effective ways to do things. Through this process, we cultivate humility, growth, and compassion. Without failure, that amazing chain reaction never gets a chance to unfold. Over the last five years of parenting, I’ve found that allowing my kids to face setbacks is one of my most effective parenting strategies.
So, I let my kids fall. I permit them to get hurt, and yes, I even allow them to feel excluded from time to time. Just the other day, I was babysitting six kids at my place as part of my co-op. My oldest son began acting rudely towards the others. I tried everything—timeouts, verbal corrections, even a quick spank (gasp!). Nothing seemed to work. Eventually, one of the other kids declared, “We don’t want to play with you anymore,” and the rest followed suit.
My son attempted to rejoin the group, moving to different spots in hopes of being included. He pleaded, even tried to charm them with a new toy. But it was too late. “Nope, we’re not playing with you because you were mean,” they replied.
As I observed the situation unfold, my instinct was to intervene and ask the kids to let him back in. But then I realized that doing so would rob him of a vital lesson—the natural consequences of his actions. When he ran to me in tears, I hugged him and softly said, “If you’re rude, others won’t want to play with you. Let’s be kind and see if they’ll invite you back.”
It turned out that my usual parenting tactics couldn’t compare to the sting of exclusion he faced. He learned that day, and I didn’t have to intervene beyond letting the situation play out.
I vividly recall a time in high school when my mom forgot to pick me up. As the oldest of four, I suppose she had a lot on her plate that day. After waiting for an hour, I walked the three miles home, furious, and stormed into the kitchen, confronting her. Later, my dad informed me that I wouldn’t have a ride to school the next day. I assumed my mom would change her mind, but she stuck to her guns. I missed my midterms, which I thought might ruin my academic future. I pleaded, claiming she was sabotaging all my hard work. But she stood firm, and I ended up walking to school, missing those crucial tests.
My mom didn’t rescue me from failure; she let me navigate it. She allowed me the space to learn and grow. Now, as a parent myself, I realize how important it is for my kids to experience setbacks. Failure is an essential part of growth, self-awareness, and learning what’s truly important. It shapes us into responsible and empathetic individuals.
Falling down is part of the journey. My role isn’t to shield my kids from failure but to support them through life’s inevitable disappointments and equip them with the skills to tackle challenges on their own.
So, the next time you feel compelled to save your child from a scraped knee or a bruised ego, remember that you might be depriving them of a vital education—the understanding that their choices have consequences, and that they hold the reins on their own decisions.
Raise your child in a way that encourages growth, and when they stumble, take a seat on the sidelines and enjoy the front-row view of their journey toward resilience and self-discovery.
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Summary:
In this article, Melissa Grant discusses the importance of allowing children to experience failure as a crucial part of their growth and learning. Rather than intervening to prevent their kids from facing setbacks, she emphasizes that natural consequences foster resilience, humility, and self-awareness. By sharing her own experiences and observations, she encourages parents to step back and let their children navigate challenges for themselves, thereby equipping them with the life skills they need to succeed.