Dear Moms Who Have It All Figured Out,
I’m reaching out to express my heartfelt gratitude from the depths of my embarrassingly underqualified little heart. You’ve quite literally safeguarded my children from my parenting blunders, which means you might have even saved their lives. Had I continued down that dreadful path of parenting I was on… well, let’s just say I’d rather not imagine the catastrophe that could have unfolded. Thanks to your intervention, I can breathe a little easier now.
Before you swooped in with your sage wisdom, I was blissfully unaware of just how misguided I was. Take that moment when you saw me offering my little one a bottle and gently reminded me that “breast is best.” I had no idea! My baby looked perfectly fine on the outside—well-fed, healthy, and happy. But thanks to your insight, I now know that I was probably filling him with toxins and that he was likely a bubbling cauldron of chemicals inside. Wow.
And let’s not forget that time you tagged me in that Facebook post about the mom who sat on a park bench scrolling her phone while her kids played. If you hadn’t done that, I might never have realized how horrible I was for doing the exact same thing! I mean, who needs to check emails or text friends when I could be watching every tiny movement of my kids? What if they fell? What if I missed a precious moment? I can’t believe I ever thought it was okay to glance at my phone while my kids were busy. What kind of mother does that? Selfish, for sure. Ugh.
If you hadn’t raised your eyebrows at my offering of Goldfish crackers during our kids’ playdate and introduced me to the wonders of an organic, raw vegan diet, I probably would have just fed my kids candy and Mountain Dew for every meal, with the occasional pizza roll thrown in for “nutritional balance.” I clearly had no clue about real nutrition until you came along and set me straight.
Oh, and the screen time debate! I can’t believe I didn’t realize that letting my kids watch two episodes of Paw Patrol back-to-back or spend more than 15 minutes on the iPad would turn their brains to mush. Thanks to you, I now know that I could have unintentionally set them up for a future of mindlessness, lounging in my basement at age 35, and staring at the TV all day. Phew!
I’m genuinely relieved you shared stories of how your kids were potty trained by 16 months, reading Dostoevsky, and speaking fluent Mandarin before they even hit two. If you hadn’t, I might’ve just thought my “slow” children were perfectly normal. Now I can devote my time to addressing their “shortcomings” and getting them the professional help they clearly need.
In short, without your firm parenting guidance, I might have never recognized my myriad parenting failings. Although I didn’t ask for your advice, you generously offered it, as all those perfect moms like you do. Know better, do better, right?
Thanks a million for enlightening me about what a terrible mother I was. Who knows what kind of Cheetos-fueled monsters my kids could have become without your intervention?
Sincerely,
Me
For more insights on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource on intrauterine insemination. And if you’re curious about home insemination kits, look at this link.
Summary: This humorous letter expresses gratitude to the “better moms” who provide unsolicited but necessary parenting advice, highlighting the importance of their guidance in shaping a more informed parenting approach. By sharing personal anecdotes, it underscores the challenges of parenting and the value of community support.