Marriage is undoubtedly a tough gig, especially when kids come into the picture. Recently, there’s been a surge in the belief that many people today simply can’t hack it, throwing in the towel at the first sign of trouble. But I’m here to tell you — that’s a load of nonsense.
I absolutely agree that marriage takes effort. The problem arises when we assume that those who choose divorce lack the commitment and grit seen in happily married folks. Really? Are we to believe that hard work automatically guarantees success? Just take a look at the Williams sisters at this year’s Olympics in Rio. They trained tirelessly, day in and day out, yet both faced early exits. Clearly, hard work doesn’t always spell victory.
When a marriage begins to falter, what you’re often witnessing is the symptom of a much larger issue. If you aren’t the root cause, finding a solution is incredibly challenging. When my own marriage began to deteriorate, it stemmed from many factors, most of which were outside my control. I labored under the misconception that I could fix things by simply trying harder: find a solution, make a plan, work tirelessly. I did it all.
Some of you might wonder if I truly gave it my all. Sure, I wasn’t perfect, but just hitting a few more targets wouldn’t have changed the fact that I was on the wrong team to begin with. I fought valiantly for us; he didn’t. But does that mean I failed? Absolutely not. How could I lose a battle that was never mine to win?
The actual failure in my marriage didn’t happen when I filed for divorce; it was during all the time I spent trying to prevent that very moment. I gave my all even when every sign screamed that it was futile. Sometimes, we become so focused on society’s definition of failure that we overlook the toll the fight is taking on our well-being.
It’s only now that I realize I hung on for much longer than was healthy, and I’m still dealing with the fallout. The day I left with my child in my arms wasn’t a day of defeat — it was the day I triumphed. I wasn’t weak when I closed that door; I was the strongest I had ever been.
Like many single moms navigating the aftermath of a difficult breakup while raising a newborn, I have shown incredible resilience every single day since — on the good days, the bad days, and especially the messy days. Ironically, my “failure” was born from my unwillingness to throw in the towel. Many of us pour so much effort into our marriages that we risk losing our own identities in the process. Once the marriage is over, we often find we’ve lost a bit of ourselves along the way.
Divorce isn’t a quick and easy escape. When I hear the insinuation that divorce reflects a lack of effort, I can’t help but chuckle. I think of the countless women I’ve met on this journey of separation and single motherhood who, like me, persevered far too long. Our stories may differ, but our determination is the same. We fought tooth and nail for ourselves, our partners, and our children.
It doesn’t matter whether your marriage ended on bad terms or amicably; there’s no hierarchy of acceptable reasons for divorce. We don’t just throw in the towel without a second thought.
I am a divorcee, not a failure. If you find yourself in the same boat, know that you’re not alone. We understand the tears, the counseling sessions, the ultimatums, and the days when you felt like you were at your wit’s end. You weren’t slacking off in your marriage; you were putting in all you had, and then some.
Choosing divorce is not about accepting defeat. It’s about hitting a low you never thought you’d reach. Once you find yourself in that chasm, divorce forces you to dig deep to unearth an inner strength you didn’t know you had, carving out a new path. This newfound strength takes time to discover and even longer to recover from.
Though it may feel like the end of a marriage, divorce is actually the beginning of a new journey. It’s a road less traveled, lonelier and tougher than you ever imagined on your wedding day, but it belongs to you now.
Divorce puts you back in control, and the new path you carve out holds the potential for happiness — if you have the strength to recognize it.
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Summary:
Choosing divorce doesn’t equate to failure; instead, it can signify the strength to seek a new path. Many individuals pour relentless effort into their marriages, but when issues arise that are beyond their control, recognizing when to let go can lead to personal growth and healing.