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Do you own a firearm? This is the question I toss out before my child heads to a friend’s house for a playdate, especially if it’s the first time. I usually shoot off an email, though sometimes a frenzied text will do. After rambling on for a couple of paragraphs about the kids, school, or my latest kitchen experiment, I awkwardly segue into it: “So… do you have a gun? And if you do, is it locked up?” (Would you eat it with a fox? In the rain? On a train?)
I didn’t grow up with guns around, but my husband did; his dad was in law enforcement. Let me tell you, my father-in-law didn’t always secure his service weapon when he was finished with it. I’ve got a hunch that many folks might not either.
I’m not quite sure why it makes me uneasy to ask—maybe it feels too direct, too judgmental. You have the right to own your gun and store it however you please; I get that. The Constitution backs you up. Yet I find myself drafting and redrafting that email.
Once, one of my kids went over to play with the child of a teacher from their school. “Do you have a gun?” I asked, bracing myself for an eye-roll or a chuckle in response. Then, another of my kids went to a house with a dad who is a police officer. At least then I could joke, “I ask this all the time! Hahahaha. Ha. Heh…” because I do. “Do you have a gun? Is it safely locked away?”
We don’t keep toy guns in our home (except for that remote-controlled zombie robot their grandma bought them—thanks, mothers-in-law). When my kids inquire about why I won’t buy them a Nerf gun or a super soaker, I tell them that guns aren’t toys. I explain that they’re primarily designed for harming things.
Sure, some folks need guns for hunting food, and others rely on them for their jobs, like police officers or military personnel. Even these circumstances seem complex and heavy. But guns definitely aren’t meant for kids. You don’t need a toy weapon to pretend to take down your sibling or friend.
“Mama, we have pretend firefighter hats and swords for knights.”
“True, but no one has ever stormed a school with a firefighter’s hose or a sword. Not that I’m aware of.” This usually wraps up the conversation. Even a seven-year-old gets that logic.
One new friend, Lily, told me she couldn’t stop laughing when she received my gun safety email. She’s a recent immigrant from England, and she thought it was so quintessentially American—so absurd given the times we live in. Most police officers in Britain don’t even carry firearms, she explained. Lily said she shared my email with others back home to show she’s adapting and making “normal” American friends. A friend from Canada mirrored her sentiment: “Guns. So American. So ridiculous.” But they get it now that they’re living here too.
No one has ever hesitated to respond. Even gun owners understand the gravity of the situation. Kids and guns—those two concepts shouldn’t even share the same sentence. If I encountered any reluctance in their answers, I’d suggest we meet at a neutral ground for the playdate, like a bright playground, where we can see our hands at all times, okay?
Oddly enough, no one’s ever inquired if we have guns at home or what their child will be doing in our backyard for three hours during the playdate (which typically involves eating wild raspberries, running around, and trying to avoid ticks). I believe in giving my kids the freedom to climb trees, face the occasional bee sting, run wild, and imagine a million different futures. I know I can’t shield them from every possible injury.
I could ask the parents if there are any sexual predators in their home or if the kids will be glued to violent TV shows the whole time. I could inquire about expired prescription medications stuck in the back of the medicine cabinet, or check if they’ve secured their water for lead, or even their dog for rabies.
Maybe those questions go without saying? Or perhaps my inquiry about gun safety serves as a good conversation starter about the myriad ways to protect our children’s precious lives.
So here’s how it goes:
“I’ll be back in two hours. No allergies. Here’s some sunscreen and a loaf of fresh-baked banana bread. Oh, and do you have a gun at home? Is it securely locked away?” Because every parent needs to draw their line somewhere, and this Mama has drawn hers right here.
This piece originally appeared on Sep. 8, 2016.
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In summary, asking about gun safety before playdates is an important conversation. It may feel awkward, but it’s necessary to ensure our children’s safety while navigating friendships and play.