Lately, my oldest son, Ben, has been voicing his concerns that I’m tougher on him than his younger brother, Max. He’s noticed that when Max pulls a similar stunt, I tend to let it slide. I often give Max more chances and fewer consequences, turning a blind eye more frequently. And you know what? He’s got a point. I’m more relaxed and lenient with Max, while Ben often finds himself in trouble more frequently—getting sent to his room, losing privileges, and facing my frustration when their sibling rivalry gets out of hand.
But what Ben doesn’t realize just yet is that there are good reasons behind my tougher approach. The simplest reason? He’s older. At ages 6 and 9, the gap between them is starting to shrink. They enjoy similar activities, they misbehave in the same way, and their bickering is on par. However, since Ben is three years older, I naturally expect him to behave at a higher level. I assume he should know better than to drop F-bombs at the playground, control his temper, and sit still long enough to finish his homework.
Is It Fair to Hold Ben to Higher Standards?
Who knows? But that’s the reality of parenting. I don’t just want my kids to avoid being little terrors; I want them to grow into good, kind, and empathetic people. With that in mind, I set the bar high for their behavior—though I’ve come to realize that not all expectations are practical. Parenting is a journey of learning, and I’ve figured out which behaviors deserve a stern warning and which ones I can let slide (because let’s face it, kids do some pretty outrageous things).
The Role Model Factor
Another reason I’m stricter with Ben is that he serves as a role model. He might not see it, but his actions set the tone for Max. Ben’s vibrant personality draws people in; he naturally leads, and Max tends to mirror his behavior. When Ben is calm, the atmosphere is peaceful. When he’s wild, it’s like a college party at 2 a.m. When Ben misbehaves, chaos often ensues. By keeping a close eye on Ben’s actions, I can also help guide Max’s behavior. Two birds with one stone, right?
Different Approaches for Different Kids
This doesn’t mean I love Ben any less or that I have a favorite; quite the contrary. Each child is unique, and parenting requires different approaches. What resonates with one child might not work for another. Love isn’t about treating them the same; it’s about recognizing their individual needs, strengths, and weaknesses. Sometimes, that means being tougher on one child, at least from their perspective.
As the eldest sibling myself, I get how frustrating it can be to feel held to higher standards, to have rules that are unyielding, and to face more severe consequences for minor slip-ups. But I also understand the reasoning behind it. My parents were stricter with me than with my younger siblings, and that doesn’t bother me. They were just doing their best, much like I am now. And one day, when Ben is older and maybe even a parent himself, he’ll understand that my intentions were rooted in love.
Resources for Parenting and Family Dynamics
If you’re interested in learning more about parenting or family dynamics, check out this helpful resource for insights and tips. And if you’re on a journey toward having your own little ones, consider visiting Make a Mom for expert advice. For those exploring pregnancy, the CDC offers fantastic resources.
Conclusion
In summary, being tougher on my oldest child is not about favoritism; it’s about expectations, role modeling, and love. Each child is unique, and my parenting approach reflects that reality.