“Alright, we’ve got these new bell bottoms with a red tank top, jelly bean leggings, or the purple dress,” I announce, glancing at the clock. We have exactly two minutes before breakfast, and despite the chaotic morning rush, I want to give my daughter some choices.
“Purple dress!” my 4-year-old squeals, her face lighting up.
Internally, I roll my eyes. Ugh, a dress. Of course she chose the frilly, floral-patterned one. If anyone embodies a stereotype, it’s her. She’s “all girl,” as the saying goes.
I take the dress off the hanger and slip it on over her head, buttoning it up as I watch her happily twirl down the hallway. If I’m honest, I’m not thrilled that my youngest daughter gravitates toward sparkly, over-the-top clothes. The fact that she adores her Cinderella sneakers? It drives me nuts. Honestly, I cringe at the thought of princess sneakers. It feels like a betrayal of all the values I’ve tried to instill in my girls. Seriously, is this what I’ve taught you?!
But if that’s what she wants and those (ugly) sneakers don’t cost more, how can I say no? Is it truly harmful? Why am I hesitant to validate her choices?
While I’m confessing, I’ll admit that I absolutely adore my older daughter’s sense of style. I constantly praise her for being unique. She’s a thoughtful, imaginative little girl who gravitates toward gender-neutral clothing. Her favorite color is blue, and she loves her Converse high-tops and baseball tees.
I’m pretty sure she picks up on my cues—“It’s cool to be different.” She doesn’t fuss about fashion like her sister; she doesn’t care about mixing and matching or the “twirl factor.”
It’s glaringly obvious that I respond to my daughters’ styles unevenly, and that feels unfair. I can’t help but blame myself (and the patriarchy).
The relationship between feminism and fashion is complicated. Some argue that caring about appearance contradicts feminism, while others believe that fashion is a powerful means of self-expression. It’s a lose-lose situation.
There’s also this pervasive idea that rejecting beauty standards is the only way to be a “true feminist.” But let’s be real: I don’t love my post-baby belly, my sagging skin, or my gray hair. Admitting that doesn’t make me vain or anti-feminist. If I had the funds, I might consider plastic surgery. (And I’m on a journey toward body positivity, which takes time.) I’m just not ready to embrace my gray hair. If I did, I’d probably be praised for being “natural,” but isn’t it tragic to look old? Talk about mixed messages.
I enjoy makeup, shaving my legs, and wearing pretty heels. And my youngest daughter? She adores sparkly shoes and all things pretty.
Girls and women should never feel ashamed for wanting to feel beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with liking stereotypically “girly” clothes or accessories. I’m not any less “real” because I prefer to groom myself, and caring about my appearance doesn’t negate my intelligence or accomplishments.
So who cares if my daughter is obsessed with fashion? It doesn’t make her any less amazing or credible. She’s got more depth than just her love for dresses.
My 4-year-old cares about winning at Twister, sipping chocolate milk through a fun straw, being a good friend, and excelling in gymnastics. She doesn’t tie her self-worth to her clothing; she just enjoys pretty things.
Instead of stressing over her love for flowery frocks, I should celebrate her expressing her preferences. Who am I to tell her that princess shoes are ugly or anti-feminist? If she wants to rock twirly dresses and sparkly headbands, that’s her choice! If it takes her a few extra minutes to get ready, that’s okay. It’s her style, her journey.
Caring about appearance doesn’t mean that’s all you care about. Just like I care about my looks, I also care deeply about my daughter, the planet, social issues, and my loved ones—simultaneously.
In conclusion, let’s stop shaming our daughters for their love of fashion. They deserve the freedom to express themselves, and it doesn’t make them any less valuable.
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