As the day faded into night, I took a moment to breathe deeply and soak in the view. My partner and I were at an extravagant work event, where a dazzling Ferris wheel had been set up for entertainment. I had been eagerly anticipating this evening for months. The sun’s warmth embraced me as we reached the pinnacle of the ride, and I felt a rush of joy as my partner kissed me. For that fleeting moment, I managed to forget that my father was in the grips of terminal cancer.
The news of my father’s diagnosis hit like a ton of bricks. The doctor had gently but firmly told us, “Terminal.” Chemotherapy would only buy him a little more time while alleviating his suffering. My family spent the following months in a haze of confusion and fear, struggling to grasp the weight of it all. As a nurse, I was all too familiar with the grim realities of cancer, watching as it stripped away dignity and vitality. My life became a whirlwind of phone calls, visits to care for my dad, and constant worry. Grief, thick and suffocating, wrapped itself around my heart.
I began mourning my father long before he was gone, and it was utterly draining. In an instant, he transformed into a “cancer patient.” Hair loss, ghostly pallor, and unending fatigue turned my once-robust father into a frail shadow of himself. I longed for conversations that didn’t revolve around medical jargon and emergency room visits. Nights out or coffee with friends felt like betrayal; I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy life while my dad faced death. Deep down, I was just a scared little girl terrified of losing her father.
That night on the Ferris wheel provided a brief escape. As we spun upward, I let laughter drown out the grim reality for a while and reveled in the excitement. I danced with friends and savored cocktails beneath the stars. Looking back, I see that night was a precious gift. My father unexpectedly passed away three days later, plunging me into an abyss of grief.
The months that followed felt like a relentless storm. Some days, I got out of bed only because my two kids needed me to feed them. I couldn’t think clearly on good days and sobbed uncontrollably on bad ones. Conversations felt overshadowed by the dark cloud enveloping my heart. I feared I’d never feel whole again; the pain was a deep ache that seemed unending. I remembered a scene from Sex and the City where Miranda assured Carrie that she would laugh again someday, and I clung to that hope as my sorrow consumed me.
My dad would have hated to see me drowning in grief. I knew he would want me to find joy again, but I clung to my sorrow because it was all I had left of him. Letting go, like I had on the Ferris wheel, felt like a betrayal. I resolved to carry my grief as a tribute to his memory, accepting that feeling broken was my new normal.
To my surprise, embracing my grief became a path to healing. I learned that I didn’t need to ignore my emotions; by confronting them and sharing with others, I felt lighter. I allowed myself to cry under a blanket on tough days, but I also began to reclaim joy. I stopped feeling guilty for smiling or laughing at a favorite song. I felt my dad nudging me back to life, reminding me it was okay to miss him while living fully.
Grief has woven itself into who I am today. Four years after my dad’s passing, the pain has dulled to a faint ache, like a splinter nestled deep in my heart. Occasionally, it throbs, but I soothe it with cherished memories. I wouldn’t want to remove that splinter; it reminds me of my journey since losing my father.
Last August, I found myself atop a Ferris wheel again, this time with my family. My daughter gleefully exclaimed, “We’re so close to heaven! Do you think Poppy can see us?” Tears filled my eyes, but I smiled back at her. Gazing towards the horizon, I could almost imagine my dad smiling down on us.
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Summary
The narrative recounts a woman’s journey of grappling with grief after her father’s terminal cancer diagnosis. It illustrates her struggle and eventual acceptance of sorrow while also finding moments of joy. By embracing her grief, she discovers healing and a renewed connection to life, symbolized by a Ferris wheel ride with her family that evokes memories of her father.