In our household, if you’re under four feet tall, there are four essential criteria for eating food:
- It must be candy.
- It can only be a quesadilla without the tortilla — just cheese.
- It must be presented as a specific animal’s food after the child names their spirit animal for the day.
- Someone else must be munching on it.
Of course, this rule doesn’t apply to our cats. They might meet the height requirement, but they have no interest in candy or cheese, and they’re perfectly content as their own spirit animals.
Mealtimes have become a colorful circus since the kids arrived. At least a dozen times a week, we find mini protestors waving handmade signs demanding more sweets and fewer vegetables. Even when they pick their food, they find reasons to protest: “I want Cocoa Puffs for breakfast, but I can’t eat them because I dreamt that the milk tasted funny.”
So why won’t they just eat their nine grapes and grilled cheese? Because they’re kids, masters of excuse-making. Here are 22 reasons my kids won’t eat:
- I need to save it for later.
Translation: “Later, I’ll ask for something that’s not even close to what’s on my plate, like popcorn.” If I save their meal for later, it usually gets devoured as they realize it’s better than nothing. - I don’t like food.
(as they reach for a bag of sour gummy worms) - I just want milk.
The tactic behind this excuse is that they think drinking enough milk will fill them up so they can avoid solid food. - My breakfast is gross.
When cereal sits too long, it becomes a mushy mess. A life lesson: eat cereal while it’s still crunchy. - My dinner is gross.
Anything that isn’t candy is gross. When ketchup is slathered on everything, it loses its charm. Trust me, I get it; your broccoli dipped in ketchup isn’t exactly gourmet. - I don’t like carrots anymore.
Kids can quit vegetables without a reason. Keep a backup plan handy, like blending them into fruit smoothies. - I’m not hungry.
How is it possible for a toddler to survive on a single grape for days? They run on pure energy, regardless of their food intake. - I don’t care if I eat.
They honestly don’t care about much, including their clothing choices. - I only like the straight macaroni, not the twisty ones.
Because, obviously, twisty noodles taste like potting soil. - I just want to play outside.
Outside, the chances of eating anything are slim — except maybe grass. - I’m busy.
Busy doing what, exactly? You’re four! - No, thanks.
This one is frustrating because it’s not an excuse; it’s a flat-out refusal. They think I might forget I offered them a meal. - I just want peanut butter.
Protein is a win for parents, so I don’t push back on this one. - The bread is too white.
Wheat bread is too brown. The hot dog bun is made of hot dogs. The struggle is real. - I don’t like this.
“This” refers to what’s on their plate. Unless it’s sour gummy worms or yard grass, of course. - I’m just eating yogurt from now on.
Yogurt is great, but the M&M’s mixed in are not so nutritious. I’m the only one allowed to enjoy chocolate meals! - Peas are super bad for you.
The only bad thing about peas is their ability to roll away during cleanup. - My toast is too crunchy.
When your toaster’s lowest setting is still too crunchy, you have to offer alternatives like plain bread. - This isn’t chicken; it’s not dinosaur-shaped.
A little science lesson usually helps here: this chicken is just a tiny version of pterodactyls. - My fruit is touching my sandwich.
We all know the old-school threats don’t work anymore. Instead, I just separate the fruit from the sandwich and move on. - You don’t have green beans on your plate.
I’ve earned my stripes as an adult, and I’m not here to be forced into eating green beans. - My cereal is cold.
They claim it’s like I served them a bowl of Fruity Pebbles dipped in liquid nitrogen. I just tell them to eat quickly!
Like naps and timeouts, I can’t fathom why my kids make such a fuss over eating. I love food — and naps! They’re certainly more persistent than I ever was; I’d just sit and stare at my plate until bedtime. Perhaps these excuses aren’t the worst, but mealtimes would be much simpler if they just ate. After all, our food options are as basic as it gets, so they know what they’re getting. Who knows, maybe a grilled cheese will lead to some sour gummy worms!
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Summary
In a humorous take on the many excuses children use to avoid eating, the article lists 22 common justifications, from preferring candy to claiming they’re not hungry. It highlights the quirks of toddler logic and the exhausting, yet entertaining, battle of getting kids to eat nutritious food. Parents are reminded of the creative, albeit frustrating, ways kids avoid mealtime.