It’s unbelievable that your college journey is about to begin. Your father and I have been preparing you for this moment, yet it still feels bittersweet to let you go. Guiding you through your first 18 years has truly been a privilege.
While I’m thrilled to watch you embark on this new adventure, I can’t shake off the feeling of emptiness you’ll leave behind. I’ll miss the crew of friends who turned our living room into their hangout spot, devouring snacks from our pantry like it was an all-you-can-eat buffet. Honestly, with the amount of food they consumed, I could’ve charged more than a budget motel on a busy weekend.
I’ll also miss our late-night games of mattress tag, especially when you decided to ignore curfews. Checking my phone every few minutes for your texts and keeping an eye on the news for local accidents was quite the thrill. You’ve kept our lives exciting with your escapades, like speeding past school zones or hopping on a bus to who-knows-where without a heads-up. Those moments—while stressful—have certainly highlighted how well blonde dye can cover gray hair!
You’ve always kept me guessing, especially when it came to household chores. I’ll miss the surprises of algae in the shower and the mystery of old gym clothes hidden under your bed. With the absence of that chaos, I might just find myself with too much free time. Maybe I’ll finally start that alpaca farm I’ve been dreaming about.
Before the moving day frenzy kicks in, I want to share a few nuggets of wisdom:
Eat well.
Visit the salad bar more than once a week to balance out all the pizza and burgers you’re bound to consume. And don’t forget the essentials like peanut butter and bread; you never know when the cafeteria will serve something… adventurous.
Prioritize hygiene.
Please, don’t skip showering and cover up with body spray instead. Antibacterial soap exists for a reason! Keep Q-tips handy; trust me, no one wants to notice your ear situation. And remember, flossing is key—no one wants to see a mouth full of fuzzy teeth. Lastly, don’t let your toenails look like they belong to a hobbit!
Be considerate.
Respect the campus noise rules and keep your music at a reasonable volume. Just because you have impressive speakers doesn’t mean you should rattle the walls of your dorm. Also, no need to prove your Viking-like appetite by entering every eating contest—especially the bean-themed ones. Trust me, that’s not the fastest way to bond with your new roommate.
Take relationships seriously.
While the safest sex is no sex, if you find yourself in a situation, please use protection properly. Giraffe-shaped balloons won’t win you any points with the ladies.
Avoid peer pressure.
Chugging shots of hot sauce to impress your new friends will only lead to regrettable moments, best remembered in the bathroom.
Be thankful.
Whether your friends are driving flashy cars or you’re rocking a 1999 Honda Odyssey, appreciate what you have—at least it runs!
Budget wisely.
If your beer spending surpasses your tuition, that’s a sign to reevaluate.
Keep your space tidy.
Regularly take out the trash and don’t let old pizza become a bug buffet. And if your bathroom looks like a science experiment gone wrong, it’s time for some serious cleaning.
Focus on your studies.
Make sure studying comes before partying; otherwise, you might find yourself on the wrong end of a failing grade.
Don’t rush into romance.
Date around and enjoy your freedom; it’s better than rushing into a relationship that leads to regrettable choices, including Las Vegas drive-thru weddings.
Stay prepared.
Stock up on hangover remedies like Gatorade and chips, and always keep a pillow in your backpack for those unplanned sleepovers.
Avoid doing anything too reckless.
If you’re racing office chairs down the highway, don’t expect any help from me when it’s time to bail you out.
Value your true friends.
These are the ones who will rescue you at 5 a.m. and keep your secrets safe—like the time you woke up wearing duct tape underwear.
Maintain your sense of humor.
If you wake up to find your room covered in Post-it notes, just laugh it off. Knowing you, your roommates will soon understand the concept of karma.
Your father and I are excited to see you explore your independence and are confident in your decisions. But should you find yourself in a precarious situation—like with that flame thrower on the Dean’s lawn—don’t hesitate to call your siblings for help. We’ll be busy having our own adventures!
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In summary, this is a heartfelt farewell filled with humor and advice as you take your first steps into adulthood. Embrace the adventure!