I’m completely confident my kids are lice-free because, obviously, only those with questionable hygiene deal with these critters. This gem of wisdom came from watching political debates, where the truth reigns supreme, right? My cousin, the pediatrician, has a different view—probably because her kids have had lice. She prides herself on being obsessively clean (and she really is), but let’s face it, lice = dirty people, am I right?
However, if my children were to suddenly contract lice—say, on the second day of a family getaway last week—here’s what I would have discovered:
- Lice Math
Four kids + three lice = four sets of bedding + all essential stuffed animals = 231 items that need to be washed in a washing machine that is definitely not my own. - Prosecco
No amount of prosecco could help me survive this madness. Why didn’t we stock up when we passed that liquor store in the tax-free state?! Oh my gosh! Need. More. Prosecco. - Lice Treatment
No one at the Walmart in another state will bat an eye at the lice treatment in your cart. But you’ll probably still judge them for their odd purchases. - The Itch
Oh, the horror! The itching will never cease. Seriously. - Tiny Combs
You slather your child’s hair with slippery stuff, then comb it out with a minuscule metal comb in tiny sections endlessly. This has to be the definition of hell. Dear goodness, where’s my prosecco? Did we get chardonnay? Who did the grocery shopping? Whose bright idea was this trip? Don’t they sell prosecco at Walmart next to those combs and lice treatment? - Judgment
One child is clearly patient zero. You’ll unleash scornful references to Typhoid Mary to silence her whining as you comb away. She brought this upon us! No one sits in her car seat. No. One. - Old Eyes
You somehow spotted that first louse, but now you can’t see a thing! Is there a magnifying glass at Walmart? There should be—right next to the tiny combs and prosecco. - Blow Drying
You’ll be told to blow dry your kids’ hair every other day forever, despite the fact that you haven’t had time to dry your own hair in eight years. Because heat kills lice, apparently. Blow drying all that hair for hours will definitely take a toll on your soul. If you didn’t snag prosecco earlier, you might as well devour all the Hershey’s bars you bought for s’mores around the campfire. Blame it on Typhoid Mary when you run out of s’mores supplies. - Fair-Weather Friends
Upon returning from vacation, you’ll have a 50/50 shot at losing all playdates and birthday invitations. One friend might suggest, “How about in two, um, three weeks?” Another will call in a panic after hearing your voicemail, saying, “Oh my God! My nanny just told me she found lice in Sarah’s hair, too! I’m itching like crazy! Wait, there’s a liquor store and CVS. I need to pull over!” She’ll still want to have that playdate. - Learning Nothing
When that friend with the lice-infested kid agrees to the playdate, you’ll have a moment of hesitation thinking about whether you actually want to go through with it…because, well, lice. So dirty.
In summary, wash everything, grab more prosecco, pick up a tiny metal comb along with some Permethrin shampoo (my cousin insists), and then comb, comb, comb, blow drying every other day for eternity. And if you need a silver lining, one website suggests viewing the nit-picking as quality bonding time with your child. I say it’s more of an excuse for another glass of prosecco, but what do I know? My kids are lice-free! Or at least they were…
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