I’m navigating the toddler jungle with my third little one, and let me tell you, it’s been a wild ride. I often stumble upon lists of parenting tips that are all rainbows and sunshine, filled with tricks that don’t actually help and leave me feeling like I’m failing. Or worse, they suggest there’s something wrong with my kid, which is just not the case. Well, except for the fact that all toddlers are a bit… well, you know. Sometimes I wonder if these lists are penned by people without kids. So, I’ve decided to keep it real and share my own down-to-earth list. Here are the true toddler pro-tips.
- When you’re on the couch, guard your eyes, groin, face, hair, and chest. Toddlers have a surprising grip strength.
- The optimal time for a game of peekaboo is during a messy diaper change. It distracts them from the mess.
- If your toddler decides to munch on dirt, you can technically skip their next meal.
- Forget about keeping shoes on them. It’s as tough as getting a cat to wear shoes. Put them on in the morning and let fate take over for the rest of the day.
- One popsicle buys you about three minutes of peace. Stock up, and you can load the dishwasher without a toddler trying to climb inside.
- Your toddler is now in charge. You can redirect them a bit, but ultimately, you’re at their mercy. Accepting this helps ease the frustration during outings.
- Daily baths? Not necessary. Sometimes a quick wipe-down suffices. Parents who bathe their kids every day are probably masochists.
- There’s no law against calling a toddler an idiot. Seriously, it’s okay.
- If you discover a long-lost sippy cup, don’t open it. Just toss it. It’s likely a biohazard.
- Poop doesn’t slide down a tub drain easily. A spatula can help, but you’ll want to throw that spatula away afterward.
- It can feel satisfying to give your toddler the finger when they’re not looking.
- Don’t stress about your toddler’s fashion. Sometimes, simply keeping their pants on is a win.
- Using a crayon instead of a pen isn’t as shameful as searching for a pen while holding a toddler.
- A great way to unwind is to lie on the floor and let your toddler climb all over you. Just remember tip No. 1.
- Avoid buying any toddler clothing with buttons. Those designers must either not have kids or be UFC fighters.
- If you splurge on an extravagant birthday gift, your toddler will end up playing with the box. Save cash and just buy a box.
- Arguing with a toddler is the first step to defeat.
- Swimming equals bath time.
- Once your toddler learns to lock doors, always keep spare keys on hand. They won’t care.
- If they drop candy, let them eat it. You’ll save yourself a meltdown. Just tell yourself the dirt makes it organic.
- If your toddler wants a cup without a lid, make sure it’s filled with water and that all electronics are at least three feet high. Imagine a scene from Titanic.
- Don’t waste your time trying to clean the toddler’s car seat. It’s a battle you can’t win. Just wait until they outgrow it and set it on fire.
- They will never tire themselves out. This is a myth. Toddlers are the definition of perpetual motion. They’re your cardio workout.
- If you put your toddler to bed two hours late, expect them to rise two hours earlier. Just a heads-up.
- Stock up on Spray ‘n Wash—like, buy it by the case.
Of course, there are more tips out there; there always are. But this list should help you navigate the delightful chaos of toddlerhood. If you have any additional gems to share, feel free to drop them in the comments. After all, it takes a community to raise a child!
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Summary: Navigating the toddler years can be overwhelming, but these 25 practical tips provide humor and reality to help parents cope. From embracing the chaos of messy diapers to understanding that your toddler is the boss now, this list emphasizes the importance of not taking parenting too seriously.