While I was expecting my second daughter, I envisioned a picture-perfect bond between her and her older sister. I imagined them playing together peacefully, sharing toys like Legos, trains, or tiny doll outfits, with smiles that could melt hearts. I pictured them taking turns donning the glimmering princess crown or the red superhero cape, erupting into giggles at each other’s antics, and never, ever considering hurting one another out of anger or, heaven forbid, for no reason at all.
Oh, how naive I was! The truth is, sibling rivalry is a daily reality in our home. My three daughters adore each other, but they also bicker, tease, and swipe at one another. I understand that fighting is a natural part of relationships, but it’s still challenging for me to witness their disagreements, whether they’re minor squabbles or full-blown battles.
When my two eldest were toddlers and young kids, I found myself in the role of mediator during their skirmishes. My mission was to de-escalate the situation and teach them how to express their feelings constructively while also listening to one another. I acted as the referee, clarifying why hurtful behavior was unacceptable, encouraging apologies, and imposing consequences like time-outs or skipping bubble bath fun. It was exhausting, both mentally and emotionally.
Now that my older girls are in middle and high school, they know my expectations for how to treat each other. I’m raising them to be strong-minded and vocal, yet it’s equally vital for them to balance their assertiveness with kindness and discern when it’s better to let things go. Increasingly, I’m allowing them to settle their own disagreements using our family’s “Guidelines for Household Disputes.” Here are five rules to help manage sibling conflicts:
1. Don’t rush to Mom (or Dad!).
This is as much for my sanity as it is for theirs. Getting involved in their arguments is stressful, especially since their disagreements have become more complex. Often, both have played a part in the conflict. It’s not my job to intervene anymore—they need to handle it themselves, even if the outcome is less than ideal. The squabble may last longer, but they usually find a way to resolve it and either apologize or move on.
2. No name-calling!
At 15 and 12, my older girls have surely encountered a range of unkind words and their accompanying curse words. It’s tempting to hurl insults when tempers flare, but in our house, we have a strict no-name-calling policy. Instead, we focus on the specific behavior in question. Of course, I’m certain there’s some quiet mumbling behind closed doors—if it’s not heard, it didn’t happen!
3. Time-outs are for everyone.
If emotions are running high, it’s perfectly acceptable to excuse yourself from the conversation. The challenge is getting the other person to respect your need for a breather! We’re a family that dislikes unresolved issues, so my girls are continuously working on this one.
4. Keep hands to yourself!
You might think it unnecessary to remind tweens and teens to refrain from physical altercations, but you’d be mistaken. While my girls don’t throw punches, they occasionally get too close for comfort. They know that hitting, pinching, or hair-pulling is off-limits. Playful antics like tickling and rolling around are fine—as long as they’re in good fun.
5. Choose your battles wisely.
Sometimes, it’s just better to let things slide. Not every minor annoyance or comment deserves a fight.
Navigating these rules isn’t always easy for my girls—or for me! I still find myself stepping in occasionally when the noise level of sibling squabbles becomes unbearable. Learning to disagree respectfully and work through conflicts requires practice. Fortunately, I think they’re starting to get it. Just the other day, I overheard my oldest explaining to her younger sister why it’s not nice to call someone a “goober-head.” I don’t know how it concluded, but when I walked into the kitchen, they were happily sharing a contraband chocolate bar for breakfast together.
Problem solved!
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In summary, sibling disagreements are a common part of family life, but with a few ground rules, they can learn to manage their conflicts more effectively. Encouraging them to resolve their own issues helps build important life skills.