Recently, I found myself due for my annual Pap smear and, after months of procrastinating, finally scheduled my appointment. On the big day, I went all out in my preparations, “lady-scaping” more than I ever did while dating, even though I knew my efforts would likely go unnoticed by a doctor who sees more anatomy than a biology textbook. Still, the thought of the Sasquatch situation down there made it necessary to clean up a bit.
Arriving at the office, I tried to project confidence about my lady garden and reminded myself that I usually make my partner buy me a drink or two before I let him peek south of the equator. After a cheerful smile at the receptionist, I attempted to distract myself from the panic of possibly having forgotten to shave my legs.
As I followed the nurse into the exam room, my mind spiraled into a whirlwind of thoughts. From the embarrassment of stepping on the scale to awkward questions about my weekly alcohol consumption, it was clear this appointment was going to be a comedy of errors. Add in the fact that I was exposed and draped with a flimsy sheet from a discount store and surrounded by instruments that no man would ever allow near his own goods, and my gynecologist visits turned into a cringe-worthy affair.
Surely, I can’t be the only one who thinks these things during the process:
- Shouldn’t they serve mimosas here?
- Oh no, I just went to the bathroom! I can’t provide a urine sample. Sorry!
- That number on the scale can’t be right! Subtract ten pounds, please… and the boots!
- How much alcohol? Are we talking glasses or bottles here?
- I saw that eyebrow raise, Nurse-You-Made-Me-Fat. Don’t judge my wine intake!
- Recreational drugs? Oh, if only!
- They should have a countdown clock in here so I can brace myself for when the doctor arrives.
- Oops, I forgot to shave my legs.
- Why are there no pictures of Chris Hemsworth on the walls? Those headless diagrams of pregnant women are a sad reminder of my abs.
- Ah-choo! Great, now the pad on the exam table is wet. Awkward…
- Why is it so cold? I feel like my nipples could slice through glass.
- The doctor is here! And shaking my hand—how many vaginas has he seen today?
- Sexually active? More like trying to avoid it, Doc.
- At least he won’t shame me for not flossing regularly.
- Birth control? My four kids should count, right?
- Do I have any questions? Only the ones I’d rather ask my bestie, like why my hoo-ha feels like the Sahara.
- Yikes, my boobs look huge and saggy. Wait, is that hair around my nipples?!
- Why isn’t the nurse saying anything? Talk to me, Nurse-You-Made-Me-Fat!
- I should have kept my socks on.
- No, I can’t scoot down any further. Seriously, Doc?
- We’ve landed on the moon and nominated a woman for president, yet they still can’t warm the lube gel?
- Is now a good time to mention I could give that urine sample?
- Oh, how lovely. The doc is discussing his family vacation while getting way too familiar down there.
- I desperately need a pedicure.
- Don’t fart, don’t fart, don’t fart…
- A little pressure? Seriously, it feels like you’re trying to shove a watermelon up there!
- What if he says, “Houston, we have a problem?” I might just kick him.
- Where’s Chris Hemsworth when you need him?
- Don’t sneeze, don’t sneeze…
- Seriously, I have to pee!
- Everything looks fine? Phew, I’m really proud of my cervix.
- Yep, see you next year. The pleasure was all mine, Doc.
- Where are my underwear? It was just here!
- Do I toss the tablecloth or leave it on the too-short bed?
- Ah-choo! Well, there goes that urine sample.
Going to the gynecologist is always a bit of a cringe-fest, but it would be even worse if the doctor could read my mind. At least my thoughts would be clearer than when I’m at the dentist.
For those on a similar journey, check out resources like this one for essential information on pregnancy and home insemination, or explore this guide for insights on your fertility journey. And if you want to learn more about cervical insemination, visit this site for helpful tips.
In summary, visiting the gynecologist may always come with its share of awkward moments and hilarious thoughts, but it’s an essential part of health that no one can avoid.