My house is surprisingly quiet at the moment. I’m perched by the window, watching my kids play outside, but already I hear one of them letting out a wail. I resist the urge to leap up immediately because I can see it’s just a typical sibling spat, and the youngest is already over it.
These fleeting moments of silence come in fits and starts—five minutes here, maybe fifteen there—interspersed with requests for snacks or tending to the latest scraped knee. When I actually stop to reflect, I realize that these blissful pockets of calm occur more often than I’d think. But they’re like rare gems in a sea of chaos, and there’s hardly enough time to achieve anything substantial during those brief respites.
Typically, when I do find a moment of quiet, my mind is anything but peaceful. I’m usually busy wiping down the counters while running through my mental to-do list. “Once I finish cleaning the kitchen, I’ll tackle the laundry. Then, I’ll grab a snack. Swim lessons are next week; I need more sunscreen! What’s for dinner? Should I enroll Kyle in dance classes? Chandler will be back any second to tell me he’s bored again—what can I do to keep him entertained? Have I spent enough quality time with Avery this week? Summer is flying by! I could really use a nap. And what’s that sticky mess on the cabinet? I need to start teaching these kids to clean up after themselves. Did I ever call about that life insurance policy?”
It’s a relentless parade of worries and tasks that never seems to end. Even when the house is quiet, my mind is a swirling vortex of responsibilities and concerns that can feel all-consuming.
I often hear people say that women lose themselves in motherhood, while others claim they haven’t disappeared at all. I can relate to both sides. I know I’m still in there, buried beneath the endless dialogue in my head that keeps me focused on the daily grind of family life. However, I often find that there’s little space left for my own thoughts that aren’t intertwined with my family’s needs.
That’s what losing myself to motherhood means to me. It’s not that I’ve forgotten how to think for myself; it’s just that my personal thoughts have been overshadowed by the checklists that help me keep our family afloat.
When I reminisce about life before kids, I struggle to recall what it was like to act spontaneously or to make plans without factoring in soccer games or school schedules. That’s where I feel adrift. I can’t remember what it’s like to sit down without that nagging voice in my head urging me to tick off another item on my list or reminding me to teach my children vital life skills like independence.
Most of the thoughts swirling in my head aren’t all negative, though. They’re akin to honing survival skills—skills that not only impact my life but also the lives of everyone around me. While some days are less dramatic, like searching for a long-lost toddler toy that has taken on monumental importance, it still feels all-encompassing.
When mothers feel like they’ve lost themselves, it’s often because they need just a moment of quiet to recognize that they’re still there. Instead, guilt fills the silence, pushing us to accomplish something since the kids are happily occupied, or we find ourselves absentmindedly gazing out the window, relishing the peace while secretly wishing for a moment alone without someone needing us.
In those once-quiet moments, we may have indulged in a good book, but now we often just stare blankly into space. Shifting gears to create or reconnect takes longer now, and we often forget that we have needs too. The essence of who we were before becoming mothers isn’t gone; it’s simply buried beneath the daily demands of family life.
This is why you may find women wandering aimlessly down the aisles of Target, drawn to pretty things. For a few blissful moments, it feels luxurious to engage in something mindless. We are not hollow shells of our former selves. We’re still just as creative, spontaneous, and talented as before; we simply need more time to quiet our minds and remember who we are amidst the whirlwind of motherhood.
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