As parents of three energetic kiddos, my partner Jamie and I have spent over a decade navigating the wild world of parenthood. Let me tell you, the conversations we’ve had in the wee hours of the morning could fill a book. There’s something about sleepless nights that brings out the absurd in us. Here are 30 things we’ve found ourselves saying when the sun is still hiding:
- Just swing your fists in the closet! If there’s something in there, you’ll scare it off.
- I think I left a soggy pull-up somewhere. Or was it in the laundry? Ugh, I can’t remember. Can you just deal with it?
- I don’t know where your beloved Bunny is, and honestly, I’m too tired to care. If you don’t sleep soon, I might just set Bunny on fire!
- Why are you smiling at me? It’s 4 a.m.! Now I’m smiling back, and I hate it!
- He’s not sleeping because of his diaper rash. Can we just ice it down or something?
- I love you, but if you don’t close your eyes and sleep, I might actually perish. Is that what you want?
- Please stop screaming! It’s giving me a headache that feels like it might explode.
- The baby had a blowout, and you have gas! It smells horrific. One more toot and you’re in big trouble!
- I know your tummy hurts, but please, just puke in the bowl! How hard can it be? Just stick your face in there!
- No, you can’t have Reese’s Pieces! It’s midnight! I’m going to eat them all right in front of you.
- Great, now you’ve woken up your sister. Not making friends around here, are we?
- Stop being so adorable! It’s making it harder for me to stay mad at you!
- Why am I crying? Because every time I start to sleep, the baby cries or you kick me! I might just saw off your legs!
- Sometimes, being awake with the kids feels like I’m trapped in a dark hole.
- You’re 9! Get your own water. Whatever scares you in the kitchen isn’t half as terrifying as me right now.
- How are you sleeping through all of this? Do you secretly hate me?
- It’s your turn! I just spent an hour listening to the baby cry and your obnoxious snoring!
- Turn off the bathroom light! You don’t need it to pee! I do it all the time in the dark!
- It’s 5 a.m.! No, you can’t play on the iPad.
- If you fall out of bed, just climb back in! That’s how life works!
- If you go to sleep right now, I’ll give you cookies for breakfast.
- Don’t touch my face! I’ve been up with you for ages. We’re not friends right now.
- Stop biting me! You’re acting like a wild animal!
- Why is the baby laughing? It’s like she’s high. I want some of whatever she’s having!
- You were asleep! You were sound asleep!
- I’m seriously considering taping that pacifier to her mouth!
- She can’t breathe because of snot? Just suck it out with your mouth or something. I’m too tired to care!
- I try to cuddle you, and you shove me away. I set you down, and you cry. You’re just as confusing as your dad.
- Why am I wet?
- Thanks for getting up with her. It’s making me feel things. Too bad I’m exhausted to enjoy them.
Can anyone relate? We’re all in this together as we navigate the chaotic (and often hilarious) nights of parenthood. If you’re looking for more insights into the journey of parenthood, check out our other posts here. For those interested in fertility journeys, make sure to visit Make A Mom for expert advice. And if you’re on the path to conception, American Pregnancy is an excellent resource for all things related to pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Parenthood can turn even the most rational adults into sleep-deprived comedians in the middle of the night. From bizarre requests to humorous outbursts, the things we say often reflect the chaos of sleepless nights. Embrace the madness; it’s all part of the journey!