Recently, I found myself engaged in an unusual activity—cleaning. You know what that means! I stumbled upon a rather alarming relic from my past: my birth plan.
As I read through my lengthy list of preferences—natural birth, serene atmosphere, soft lighting—I couldn’t help but cringe. Did I really need two pages of instructions? It got me thinking about what I truly wish I had put in my birth plan instead:
Oh wow! I’m about to become a mom!
Yes, I’m in labor, but I assume you’ve figured that out. I’ve thought long and hard about what I want for this experience, and I’ve even typed it out for your convenience!
- First and foremost, let’s get one thing straight: I have no idea how to poop. Seriously. Constipation is my constant companion. So please, don’t encourage me to push like I’m in the bathroom. When it’s time, it’s time; it’s a full-on explosion, no effort required.
- If I happen to poop on the delivery table, could you please keep it on the down-low? A little distraction for my husband would be appreciated too. I’d like to maintain some dignity in our marriage, thanks.
- I’m a screamer. I’ve brought earplugs for the nursing staff, so please make sure they get them. If necessary, I have headache meds on hand, too.
- Please don’t show me a mirror unless it’s to check for spinach in my teeth or if I need lipstick. I’d prefer to keep the reality of my body during childbirth a mystery.
- I’m not a fan of spinal needles. Nope, not at all. I do, however, welcome laughing gas as a delightful alternative.
- Decision-making is not my strong suit, especially now. I may waver between ice chips or water, walking or squatting, lying down or bouncing on an exercise ball. Bear with me!
- I want to breastfeed my little one. I’ve read a lot about it but might need some support and cheerleading. I’ll provide pom-poms, but feel free to get creative with your encouragement.
- Please do not give my baby a pacifier. This isn’t about nipple confusion—whatever that means! It’s about not wanting to deal with weaning later. No thanks!
- I’d like to request five cases of those stylish mesh panties I’ve heard are a new postpartum essential.
- Let’s make it a “give birth, get a vasectomy” deal. Please schedule my husband’s procedure a few hours after I’m settled in with the baby. For the record, he can have some laughing gas for his discomfort—just kidding!
Congratulations! You’ve reached the end of my birth plan, and you’re still with me! That’s impressive!
Now for the crucial part. Pay close attention! You probably read countless birth plans each year, witnessing everything from joyous arrivals to unexpected challenges. Your role is vital. Your words matter. The way you treat us and all families on this unit is significant.
I can’t thank you enough for your support, your smiles, your coaching, and your kindness. Your presence means the world to us, especially as we welcome our newest family member.
As a token of our appreciation, here’s a coffee card to share with the rest of the amazing staff. Today’s caffeine is on me!
For more information about pregnancy and home insemination, you can check out this excellent resource at Womens Health. If you’re interested in artificial insemination kits, visit Make a Mom for authoritative guidance. And don’t forget to explore our other blog post regarding advertiser disclosure.
In summary, this humorous and candid birth plan highlights the realities and desires of a soon-to-be mother, blending humor with heartfelt gratitude for the medical staff who will support her through this life-changing experience.