Childbirth terrifies me.
Sure, it’s normal for women to have some jitters about bringing a new life into the world — the pain, the stretching, the tearing, or even the possibility of major surgery. But for me, the fear goes beyond mere butterflies in my stomach. It’s a paralyzing anxiety that keeps me awake at night, triggers panic attacks, and physically manifests in vomiting, shaking, and an overwhelming sense of dread. This anxiety stems from my past experiences, which have left both me and my child with scars that will last a lifetime.
My first delivery was relatively standard. Yes, I ended up needing a C-section because my son was too big to fit through my pelvis, but everything else went off without a hitch. I had a fantastic doctor who was calm, skilled, and reassuring. From the moment I checked in until I was wheeled back to my room post-op, everything was textbook. My baby was healthy, I was okay, and we were a happy family.
But the birth of my second child was an entirely different story.
After relocating, I had to find a new medical practice, and from the outset, things felt off. I repeatedly raised concerns about intense pelvic pain, unusual cramping, and elevated blood pressure, but the staff dismissed my worries as “normal.” They even tried to halt my early labor with IV medication without performing an ultrasound to check on my baby.
The worst moment came during my routine check-up the day before I went into labor again. Despite my escalating pain, the doctor dismissed my concerns, insisting I should “go home, drink water, and rest.” So, when labor pains returned with a vengeance, I hesitated to call the doctor. Every time I expressed my anxiety, it had been brushed aside. But my husband and mother insisted I go to the hospital, and what followed would haunt me forever.
In triage, a resident suggested my mindset was the reason for my suffering, and to my dismay, the doctor who had previously told me my fears were unfounded would be performing my emergency C-section. I turned to my mother, eyes filled with fear, and said, “I don’t want her to do the surgery. I don’t trust her.” My mother, looking helpless, replied that I didn’t have a choice. Thus began a surgical nightmare.
I was promised pain relief that never came. The spinal block failed, and despite my protests, they proceeded with the surgery. My blood pressure plummeted, and I could barely breathe as they struggled to deliver my son. When he finally emerged, he was blue and unresponsive. We later discovered he had suffered a stroke, which could have happened anytime during the weeks leading up to his birth or during delivery. The staff ignored my cries for help regarding my pain, even though I had informed them that standard pain relief doesn’t work for me.
I left that experience physically and emotionally shattered, with my baby fighting for his life in the NICU. The trauma — compounded by the ongoing therapies and lifelong challenges my son faces — loops through my mind on repeat. So when I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant for a third time, I was thrown into a whirlwind of anxiety.
Yes, I am terrified of childbirth. I fear being ignored, the possibility of dying on the operating table, and my baby suffering due to unqualified medical staff.
And I know I’m not alone.
While my experience was extreme and outcomes like mine are rare, many women share this fear. Thankfully, my third son’s delivery, which I spent nine months dreading, went smoothly. Nevertheless, the fear remains valid for countless women, including myself.
To anyone grappling with similar fears, I offer this advice: Trust your instincts. Don’t ignore that inner voice. Reach out to friends and family, or consider talking to a mental health professional. Find a medical team you feel comfortable with and remember to cultivate positive thoughts. Though the likelihood of your worst fears materializing is low, your feelings are absolutely valid.
Above all, remember: You matter. Your baby matters. And your emotions, no matter how complex, are significant.
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In summary, childbirth can be daunting, especially after a traumatic experience. While the fear is real, it’s essential to find support and trust your instincts.