I’ve always considered myself a people-pleaser. I shy away from conflict, dread disappointing others, and generally avoid tension at all costs. I’m not one to stir the pot or cause a ruckus. (To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what “scallywag” means, but it sounds amusing.) I crave approval, and I strive to be polite, hoping everyone around me is happy. This need for harmony makes it incredibly tough for me to say no. By “incredibly tough,” I mean I steer clear of it like it’s contagious.
What if I actually said no? Would people be upset with me? Would they judge me as being weak or lazy? Would they see me as rude or unkind? Would they be disappointed or dislike me? The stress of contemplating these scenarios is often overwhelming, so I tend to say yes—far too often.
I find myself agreeing to obligations I don’t want to take on, tasks that I shouldn’t have accepted, and trivial commitments. Before I know it, I’m overwhelmed, feeling like I’m losing grip on my own life. I end up snapping at my kids and blowing up at my partner over trivial matters, like socks left on the floor. It’s disheartening to feel like I’m failing at everything simply because I couldn’t muster the courage to say no when asked to help with a bake sale or attend a sales party disguised as a moms’ night out.
Recently, I had a bit of an awakening—though “awakening” might be too generous a term for the emotional breakdown I experienced—when I realized it’s impossible to do everything or make everyone happy. No matter how hard I try, not everyone will like me. So, I decided it was time to be more discerning with my yeses and more generous with my nopes.
I won’t pretend I was calm and collected about it; I was terrified that I would upset others or, heaven forbid, they wouldn’t like me anymore. But the weight of commitments I didn’t want to bear was suffocating me. I needed to reclaim my time and sanity, so I resolved to start saying nope a little more freely.
Examples of My Newfound Freedom
Could I volunteer as the room mom for my son’s class? Nope.
Could I attend your distant relative’s wedding? Nope.
Could I make it to your moms’ night out/sales pitch? Nope.
Could I go to that big football game that everyone from college is attending? Nope (even though I really wanted to).
Could I cook dinner? Nope. (Thai food on the way home? That’s a resounding yes!)
Surprisingly, once I began saying no more often, nothing catastrophic happened. The world didn’t end. People didn’t seem angry with me (or if they were, they certainly hid it well). I didn’t come across as rude; I was simply prioritizing my time and recognizing my limits. I remained polite with my nopes, often saying “no, thank you,” “probably not,” or “thanks, but no thanks.” Sometimes I offered an explanation for my refusal, and sometimes I didn’t, because you know what? “Nope” is a complete sentence.
Taking back control of my life is liberating, and I find satisfaction in reserving my yeses for the things and people that truly matter to me. Sure, it’s challenging, and I occasionally face FOMO, but instead of trying to please everyone all the time, I’m focusing my energy on those who respect and appreciate me as I do them.
And here’s the reality: Not everyone will like me, regardless of how many yeses I throw their way. I could shower people with yeses and still face disapproval. The truth is, I can’t make every single person happy all the time. I’m not a cat video, after all. So why should I exhaust myself with endless yeses? Nope. Not anymore.
While I might be less of a people-pleaser and more assertive these days, I remain kind and polite. This means that sometimes my nopes come out sounding like “I’m sorry, but no thank you.”
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In summary, embracing the power of “no” has transformed my life. I’ve learned to prioritize my happiness and well-being by setting boundaries and focusing on what truly matters.