Dear America, can we please reconsider the names we’re giving our kids? Seriously, it’s time to rethink those unconventional choices. Recently, I learned that athlete Jordan Blake named his newborn son “Boomer,” which honestly sounds more like a playful nickname for a dog than a proper name for a human. It’s not child abuse, of course, but it’s certainly questionable. Just imagine the lifelong implications of calling someone Boomer: “This is my son, Boomer.” “Boomer, come here!” “Meet my dad, Boomer.” “Alright, Boomer, it’s time for your adult diaper change!” “Here, Boomer! Good boy!” You can see how “Boomer” fails to function well as a name, and it barely holds up as a pet name.
Many of today’s baby names don’t pass this casual test. Names like Paisley (which is just a pattern), Kattelynn (and its many variations), and anything with an unnecessary “y” tacked on just don’t cut it. Let’s not even start with names beginning with “X.”
We might need a list of acceptable names, similar to what exists in some European countries. Sure, unique names can be beautiful, like Persephone or Xanthippe. But uniqueness doesn’t automatically equate to brilliance—just imagine “Unique” needing six u’s and three apostrophes to fit her own title.
Consider a child named Blade. As they grow, they’ll be aware that their name suggests their parents are, well, a bit silly, likely obsessed with fantasy games and sci-fi novels. And please, don’t name your child Ender.
Some might argue that naming choices are a personal freedom. But who are we to judge? We’re the ones who will have to pronounce that name or attempt to do so without chuckling. And let’s face it, we all judge here in America.
Here are some categories of names that deserve extra scrutiny:
- Names Better Suited for Pets: If your chosen name sounds like it could be called across a yard to summon a dog, it’s probably not appropriate for your child. Think of names like Boomer, Fido, or Brownie. You wouldn’t name your kid “Whiskers,” so why choose names that fit a puppy?
- Overly Pretentious Literary References: While appreciating classic literature is great, names like Atticus or Moby might not serve your child well. These names can come off as pretentious and don’t always hold up in the real world.
- Names from Sci-Fi or Fantasy: Your daughter is not a Khaleesi or Katniss, and your son shouldn’t have names inspired by the realms of Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings. Let’s keep those for characters, not children.
- Excessive “Y” Variations: Adding a “y” doesn’t magically transform a name into something unique. Your child will be correcting people for their entire life, saying, “It’s Eryn with a ‘y.’”
- Anything Starting with “X”: Sorry, but names that begin with “X” have become too trendy. Names like Xenon or Xachary just don’t fit real-world scenarios.
- Fairy or Elf Names: While whimsical names like Pixie or Nixie might seem fun, they can lead to teasing and don’t serve your child well in the long run.
- Place Names You’ve Never Visited: Naming your child after a location you’ve never been to, like Dakota or Sierra, is just confusing. Just stick to something simple.
Ultimately, when you give your child a name, they carry it with them throughout their lives. I’m not suggesting that you should only choose traditional names like Elizabeth or Christopher. There are plenty of unique, yet sensible options out there. Just please, avoid the ridiculous ones. One day, we could see nursing homes filled with people named Paisley, and we’ll all have to thank you for that.
For more insights and perspectives on parenting and naming choices, check out this related blog post.
In summary, while creativity in naming is admirable, it’s crucial to consider how a name will be received throughout a child’s life. We should strive for names that reflect thoughtfulness rather than whimsy.