There are plenty of things I never anticipated saying to my boys—like, “Please don’t use your brother as a napkin,” or “Stop pretending your fork is a sword!” Then there are the things I promised I’d never do, yet here I am, navigating excessive screen time and processed snacks. My parenting mantra? “Never say never,” because life is unpredictable, and even the best intentions can be sidetracked.
Despite the many surprises parenting has thrown my way, there’s one thing I can say with unwavering certainty: I will never tell my sons to “be a man.”
We go to great lengths to teach our daughters (as we should!) that they have the same opportunities as boys. The next generation of women isn’t being told to “act like ladies” as their grandmothers were. Instead, they are encouraged to break free from traditional gender roles and step into fields once dominated by men. If a girl shows traits seen as “boyish,” she’s often celebrated for her strength and determination.
Conversely, boys face immense pressure to embody masculinity—being strong, dominant, and stoic. Any hint of “feminine” behavior can lead to them being labeled as weak. This is unfair to our sons, and it’s truly disheartening.
Having four boys of my own, I’ve learned that they are kind, empathetic, and loving until society tells them otherwise. They experience the same emotions as everyone else—fears, insecurities, and sadness—but are often taught to suppress these feelings because they’re “not manly.” Where do these emotions go? They fester, turning into frustration or anger. If a boy momentarily loses control, he risks being dismissed with phrases like, “Be a man,” or “Don’t be a wimp.”
As a woman, I’ve always had the freedom to express my emotions. I can’t even count the times I’ve cried out of disappointment or empathy without anyone batting an eye. But for a man to show the same vulnerability? Society expects him to merely frown or shake his head.
When we tell our boys to hide their feelings, we rob them of essential emotional skills. They can’t truly connect with others if they’re not allowed to experience and communicate their own emotions. Understanding their feelings is key to relating to others’ emotions, and the pressure to remain emotionless hinders their growth in all areas of life—personal relationships, careers, and beyond. Why would we want this for our beloved boys? Why would we want this for the men they will become?
One of the greatest gifts I can offer my sons is the freedom to express their full spectrum of emotions. I’ll never tell them to stop crying. Instead, I’ll hug them and reassure them that feeling sad is okay, disappointment is normal, and tears are a natural response. I will never label something they enjoy or feel as “not for boys.”
For instance, my 4-year-old loves his sparkly pink-and-purple My Little Pony Crocs and proudly wears them, despite a boy at the playground telling him they’re girl shoes. When he asked if that was bad, I told him they are awesome shoes! He should wear what he loves, regardless of what others think. Personal taste, just like our natural personalities, shouldn’t conform to rigid gender norms.
This is why I refuse to tell my sons to “be a man.” As long as we label sensitivity, empathy, and compassion as “girly,” we do a disservice to both our sons and daughters. Emotional responses are human, not gendered, and everyone should have the space to express them freely.
Boys will continue to be warm, loving, and emotionally aware until society tries to mold them into something else. It’s time we reconsider our definitions.
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Summary: The author emphasizes the importance of allowing boys to express their emotions freely, rejecting the societal pressure that equates masculinity with emotional suppression. By doing so, we can foster a generation of empathetic and well-rounded individuals, regardless of gender.