I found myself at a colleague’s home recently. His name was Mark, and we had been working together for a couple of years. He was about 20 years my senior, and while his eldest child was already a teenager, my oldest was just 9. Our conversations often revolved around the challenges of parenting, particularly the tendency of our sons to prioritize video games over just about everything else. Mark frequently shared advice on how to navigate parenting in a way he wished he’d approached with his own son when he was younger.
At a work gathering in Mark’s backyard, I noticed his teenage son, a tall, slender 15-year-old with dark hair and glasses, helping to clean up after guests. He was a bit awkward, making clumsy jokes to connect with the adults, but overall, he was polite, thoughtful, and well-mannered. I was genuinely impressed by how he took the time to engage with my three young kids—showing my son some games on the TV, introducing my middle daughter to their dog, and keeping my rambunctious 2-year-old out of the garden.
After observing his behavior for a while, I leaned over to Mark and said, “Your son isn’t nearly as bad as you make it sound.” Mark smiled and replied, “Yeah, you’re right. He is a good kid.” It seemed that acknowledgment from someone else helped him realize just how commendable his son truly was.
As we continued discussing his son’s positive traits rather than dwelling on the usual complaints, I found myself reflecting on my own children. I often vent about the frustrations I face with my oldest, like the daily battle to get him out of bed or to eat something other than mac and cheese. I frequently have to peel him away from the iPad to encourage him to engage in something productive.
However, if I take a moment to truly consider it, he’s actually a great kid. He doesn’t use foul language, he finishes his homework despite some resistance, and he’s interested in reading and playing soccer. He has never caused trouble at school, maintains good grades, and surrounds himself with positive influences. Most of the challenges I face with him are typical developmental hurdles, not serious behavioral issues.
This is the paradox of parenting: the more time I spend with my child, the more critical I tend to become. I want him to grow into a successful adult who respects family and women, who manages his life responsibly, and who is kinder and gentler than I am. But in striving for this, I often overlook the fact that he is already doing many things right.
As I was preparing to leave Mark’s house, I noticed his son picking up toys my kids had scattered around. Meanwhile, my son, Jake, sat on the sofa with his legs crossed, wearing that familiar hopeful expression, wishing I wouldn’t ask him to help. I turned to Mark’s son and said, “I told Mark you’re not nearly as bad as he thinks. He agrees, but don’t let it go to your head.” The young man blushed and chuckled, and then I looked at Jake and asked, “Are you going to help?” He rolled his eyes and dramatically slid off the sofa to begin cleaning up.
As he picked up the toys, I said, “You know, Jake, you’re a pretty good kid. I need to give you more credit.” His face lit up with a big smile. In that moment, I realized how important it is to express appreciation for the good things our kids do, however small they may seem. It’s vital to be more supportive and less critical, and I believe many parents can benefit from this approach.
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In summary, sometimes as parents, we focus too much on the negatives and forget to appreciate the positives in our children’s behavior. A little praise can go a long way in building their confidence and reinforcing good habits.