During my pregnancy with my daughter six years ago, I endured daily vomiting for nine straight months. This extreme form of morning sickness is known as hyperemesis gravidarum (HG), and it wasn’t until it gained media attention through public figures like Princess Kate that many began to grasp just how debilitating it can be.
The First Trimester
For the first trimester, I was confined to my bed. Each morning felt like a bizarre mix between Groundhog Day and The Hangover. Friends and family admired my growing belly and radiant skin, expecting me to feel blissful. Instead, I was trapped in a relentless cycle of nausea, where every dawn resembled the worst hangover imaginable. My 5 a.m. wake-up call involved a cruel combination of vomiting and diarrhea, and for the initial months, I resorted to using a trash can in the bathroom as my backup.
The Struggle Continues
Most literature suggested that morning sickness would subside by week 14. By week 15, I was scouring the internet for tales of relief by week 20. When week 30 rolled around and I was still throwing up, I resigned myself to a routine defined by sickness. I found myself vomiting in various locations throughout New York City: behind a dumpster near the Rockefeller Christmas tree, in Central Park on St. Patrick’s Day, and even in a cab on my way to my sister’s apartment. I made several trips to the ER for IV fluids and received a pricey prescription for Zofran, which merely replaced my nausea with crippling migraines.
No matter what I consumed, it would trigger nausea. If something provided temporary relief one day, it would typically fail the next. Medical professionals assured me this was just a standard pregnancy symptom. I continued to vomit daily, even right before my emergency C-section.
After the Birth
They promised the nausea would vanish once my daughter arrived, and indeed it did. However, I had forgotten what it felt like to be normal and enjoy food without fear. For months, I attempted to convince myself that it was the pregnancy causing my vomiting, not the food itself. Yet my mind didn’t accept this notion; it felt scarred and anxious.
Lasting Effects
You won’t find discussions about HG and PTSD in typical pregnancy guides, but after four years of introspection and piecing together my various anxieties, I came to a personal conclusion that was validated by countless others online. Those nine months of relentless nausea left lasting scars on my psyche. Even six years later, I am easily nauseated and feel trepidation around many foods, fearing they might trigger vomiting again. The mere scent of anything reminiscent of my pregnancy sends my gag reflex into overdrive, plunging me into a spiral of nausea-related anxiety.
Some people speculated that I had an eating disorder, but my concern was never about my weight. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t fixated on my body image. Instead, I silently negotiated with the universe, willing to gain 20 pounds if it meant the end of my nausea.
Reflections on Mental Health
At times, I wonder if this diagnosis differs much from my other mental health struggles: a chaotic blend of OCD, hypochondria, anxiety, and panic disorder, all rooted in a fear of losing control and facing mortality. I feel a sense of triumph in dissecting my mental turmoil, but I also wrestle with frustration and impatience. While I can see the possibility of relief within reach, the day I no longer feel this lingering nausea seems like a distant dream.
Resources for Support
For more insights and support on home insemination, check out this post on intracervical insemination. If you’re exploring options for artificial insemination, Make a Mom provides valuable resources. Additionally, Resolve.org is an excellent resource for anyone considering pregnancy or home insemination.