While some parents are certain after one or two kids that they’re completely finished expanding their family, others may feel torn but recognize that financial or biological realities mean they can’t keep having children. I find myself in that gray area of uncertainty, which has been my reality for the last few years.
At 38, I have two sons who are five years apart, and honestly, my finances are stretched thin. Sleep? What’s that? I haven’t enjoyed a full night’s rest in a decade. Logically, it seems clear that I should be done having babies, yet my heart whispers, “Just one more…” especially when I find myself awake in the early hours tending to a sick child with his arms wrapped tightly around me.
This internal tug-of-war is exhausting. My rational mind insists that our family is complete, but my emotional side keeps throwing curveballs. However, a recent experience pushed me closer to a decision.
At the start of summer, our faithful 15-year-old Honda Civic started to show its age. We purchased it when we first got married, and it had served us well, but it began breaking down at the worst times — like in the middle of a grocery store parking lot on a particularly hot day, with a trunk full of groceries. The “check engine” light became a constant companion, and costly repairs were piling up.
Given that having two kids has already put a strain on our finances, buying a new car became a necessity. So, we dipped into our savings, borrowed some funds from a family member, and bought a new vehicle. With my husband commuting by train and my work being home-based, we opted for a compact, fuel-efficient car — a proven choice for us in the past.
While at the dealership, as we signed the paperwork for our new Jetta, it dawned on me: there simply wouldn’t be enough room for a third car seat. I hadn’t even considered this in the midst of all the excitement and planning. While practicality guided our car choice, my heart and my ovaries didn’t protest at all.
And you know what? I felt a wave of relief wash over me. Living in that indecisive limbo was stressful and frustrating. Sure, it was alluring to daydream about a third child — rearranging our living space in my mind to accommodate another little one, and even calculating the costs of college for another kid. But honestly, sometimes it’s just better to borrow a friend’s adorable baby for a bit, so you can enjoy that irresistible baby scent and those soft little limbs before returning them when the fun is over.
The reality is that our hearts often yearn for what they can’t have. But sometimes, what we truly desire is already right in front of us. Now, as I buckle my two boys into their car seats, I glance at the small space left between them and think, “That’s just enough room for overdue library books, an empty snack bag, and a few goldfish crumbs.” Looking at my two goofy, sweet boys, I realize that I have everything I need right here.
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Summary:
In the end, after much internal conflict, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my family is complete with my two wonderful sons. The practicalities of life, like buying a car that fits our current family size, have helped me solidify this decision. It’s a relief to realize that what I truly want, what fills my heart, is already right here.