Most of us prefer not to dwell on the subject of death. Many shy away from discussing it due to fear or discomfort. Personally, I’ve never had a strong fear of dying. I appreciate life and wish to enjoy it for as long as possible, but I understand that death is a universal truth. It’s a certainty we all share, and there’s no point in pretending it won’t happen. Like everyone else on this planet, I know my time will come, but the timing remains a mystery.
Growing up, I developed what I believe is a healthy perspective on death. I was raised with the belief that after our physical bodies cease to exist, our souls transition to a different realm, advancing toward a higher state of being. Whether you call it heaven or another form of existence, what matters is the belief that death is not the final chapter. My faith describes death as “a messenger of joy,” encouraging us to view it as a journey to look forward to with hope. Thus, I have always seen the passing of loved ones as a loss for those left behind while marking the beginning of a remarkable spiritual journey for the departed. This positive outlook on death kept my fears at bay—until I became a parent.
Since the birth of my first child, the thought of dying and leaving my kids without a mother has become a source of deep anxiety. As they grow—now ages 7, 12, and 16—this fear has intensified. The idea of my death and its impact on them weighs heavily on my mind. I have a close bond with my children, and if I were to pass away, their devastation would be profound. They would eventually learn to cope, but their lives would be irrevocably altered. The thought of them navigating painful grief during such formative years is unbearable. I dread the idea of my absence overshadowing every significant life event and emotional turmoil they experience, where their first instinct would be to reach out to me.
I often find myself imagining how my husband would cope with their grief alongside his own if I were to die. Honestly, I try to avoid visualizing it because it frightens me. While I genuinely hope he would find happiness again, the thought of another woman stepping into my role is unsettling. Everything about that scenario makes my stomach turn.
Furthermore, I relish the joys of watching my children grow. Missing out on those moments is infuriating to contemplate. I want to be there for their graduations, weddings, and even the mundane discussions about mortgages. I want to be their mother, and I want that role to be filled by me.
When I read about mothers of young children who have passed away, my heart aches not only for them but also for their families. I try to stay calm, but those stories terrify me. Mothers of little ones aren’t meant to leave this world prematurely, yet it happens. The thought of mothers who succumb to depression and take their own lives is beyond my comprehension. I understand that mental illness is complex and illogical, but I can’t fathom what could lead a mother to abandon her children. The mere idea is too overwhelming for me to process.
This fear of dying follows me everywhere. While I don’t let it control my life, it undeniably influences my choices. For example, I think skydiving looks thrilling, but I won’t even consider it until my kids are fully independent adults. I constantly find myself contemplating scenarios like, “What if I don’t make it back from this flight?” I weigh the risks of everything, which goes against my adventurous nature.
In response to this fear, I turn to prayer, the only thing I can do about something so beyond my control. I hope that whatever lies ahead will work out for the best. I often wonder if I’ll ever return to a place where I’m not afraid of death. Perhaps once my kids are grown, but right now, it feels impossible to imagine.
In summary, the transition from living without fear of death to fearing it deeply has been a profound shift for me since becoming a parent. The love I have for my children has introduced a new layer of concern about what my absence would mean for them, and it shapes many of my daily choices and thoughts.
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